Monday, September 05, 2005

The Day the Music Died

Its taken me six months to write about this. IT hurt so badly that I didnt even want to think let alone write about my feelings on it. The guy I loved for almost five years with all my soul left me. For the first month I was a zombie and if it werent for my good friend Dan who got me busy around the house I dont know what would have happened to me. My way back up the road was much more diffciult than I could have ever imagined because I had such strong feelings for him. So here I am at 51 and single...YET AGAIN. I thought this was forever but I guess I was wrong. I realize now that I didnt fail him or myself. It wasnt the fact that he was fooling around with a convicted drug dealer who thought he was a tough guy and it wasnt that he didnt love me. What really hit me in the head with a sledgehammer was the fact that he felt entitled to have financial benefits from MY earnings. He listened to his "new friends" who had two attorneys ready to take me to court and the almost five years WE had together meant absolutely nothing. I didnt have much of a choice but to give him what he demanded or get put out on the street. When I purchased my home (and the watch word is I PURCHASED), I added his name to the deed out of the goodness of my heart, that I loved him and that if anything happened to me the house would have gone to him. In hindsight, a will with "in trust for" would have done the same thing. I dont understand why they were ready to rake me over the coals when it was HIS decision to leave and although HE left the relationship it was HE who wanted money. Funny thing was, I had planned to give him double of what he actually took from me so I guess in the long run he was the one who got royally screwed over. I had planned to get a home equity mortgage for HIM but he was so nasty about what HE demanded and what he felt was HIS, that I gave him what he requested but by doing so he screwed himself over by listening to his friends. He signed the house back over to me. MY guess is that whatever was left of his conscience bothered him because even after I gave him what he wanted he wasnt signing the house back over. I had to go chase him several times. I bet that his friends were likely telling him to try and get more. I also find it amusing that he considers himself a Buddhist. In looking back at it now I find the entire thing laughable. I believe that from the day I bought that house he knew exactly what he was doing, because he insisted that his name be added to the deed. When you really love someone you dont give a rats ass whos name is where because you know that you are going to be with this person forever and that a name can be added on at any time in the future. The fact that he was SO insistant that his name go on makes me now understand he had no intention of remaining with me because it was soon after that that the relationship fell apart. IT also makes even more sense since when he lost his job he never bothered looking for another one. He had it all planned out. Pure evil huh?
I grieved for the man that I met and fell in love with, but the guy he is now killed that man I met. Drugs will tend to do that....
So here I am at 51 and back on the dating scene. I have picked myself back up off the ground and used alot of energy to try and heal myself. My friends both old and new have been remarkable. When this all went down I think half of the northeast came down to my house to support me. Even HIS friends constantly called and visited me. In hindsight I learned ALOT about him and his past. I think had I known now what I wish I had known then, I wouldnt have even bothered with him at all. The addictive personality was there, the problems were there, but I didnt know a thing. I wish his friends had told me then what they told me now. I would have run in the other direction.
I am doing fine now. I am able to enjoy meeting new guys and dating. I am willing to take a chance; to be open to all the possibilities. There are good guys out there and all I need to do is live my life and one will eventually cross my path.