In Your Eyes...the light the heat...

I know that whenever January rolls around, its the beginning of a new year for the earth and for me personally. My birthday comes exactly one month after Christmas Eve (Jan 24). I do alot of contemplating and soul searching. I went out last night down here in warm South FLorida to listen to the old music that the Jackhammer plays from the 70's and 80's. I went out alone and I came home alone which is the way I want it. Am not much into the *tricking* thing since I dont like having a total stranger in my house OR in my bed.
I got my proverbial bottle of water and went toward the dance floor and danced alone. I often get asked how a guy like me could be single. Very simple. I havent found a guy with a good soul who knows how to love anyone other than himself and his own needs. I was asked home by 5 different men last evening which actually insults me rather than compliments me because none of them asked about anything other than what a nice ass I have and how hot I looked. Yeah thats insulting.... How about some conversation other than sex? You know, like I have a PH.D, I am a successful business man, lost over 40 friends to AIDS, I was a male escort in my earlier days which put me through school to GET my degrees, my travels, life in general? I guess thats asking too much huh? Because I am in a bar I shouldnt expect anything other than BS? I dont buy into that. You could say the same thing about going to the gym, or a gay pride event or for that matter ANY event with gay men in it because as everyone knows gay men have no OTHER interest than screwing around with other men as much as possible. Well I DONT BUY THAT....The way I am out there, there ARE others who feel the same way I do. I just havent met them...maybe I never will....
Well, getting back to the dance floor. It felt very crowded. Not because of the other guys on the dance floor but because I felt all my friends who have died were RIGHT there with me. IT was both weird and comforting at the same time. I actually felt them around me. For a minute or two the tears began streaming down my face until I realized that I cant just cry on a dance floor but I did and I wallowed in it for those few minutes.
I didnt feel sad though but exhilerated that they were there with me and for a moment in time I had them all back. All the men I escorted with, the guys who became my friends, the guys I flagdanced with at the Saint in NYC and hung out with at Studio 54, Alex in Wonderland, Tracks, Mineshaft, Anvil; the guys who grew into gaydom with me..for that brief moment in time we were all together and I became awash in that spirit of joy which overwhelmed me (and NO I DONT do drugs of ANY kind so I wasnt high).
I have forgiven the powers that guide us all for taking them away from me. I forgave my mother for beating me and physically abusing me and my father for being ineffectual and emotionally unavailable. Yeah Yeah I did the years of therapy, and ended up with that PH.D in Child Psych...and I have always tried my damndest to help others who went through what I did.
I guess the best way to help is to be an example and I have always said...living well is the BEST revenge to ANY thing. MY family is dead; most of them in the physical sense and a few in the figurative sense for there are just some truly evil people and even from them I learned something VERY important..how NOT to be! Since I have no siblings I can never be a brother in law or uncle but it still gives me the opportunity to have family that *I* can choose. I had quite a big laundry bag of dirty clothes and it took years to throw out all the baggage I had others throw on my back but I got through it and here I am...
So where am I at now? I am single but never desperate. I have a big heart and an enormous capacity to love and I learned that actually from my last relationship of almost 5 yrs. I NEVER EVER would have thought that I would (or could) feel that much or so strongly for another man. That was actually such a big shock for me because of the depth and strength of my feelings. After all the pain and agony of not having him there anymore, it taught me abotu what I am made of in ways I have never known before. I now look forward with excitment to whatever the universe has in store for my but I want to spend the remainder of my life enjoying each and every day and if the stars align themselves just right, maybe one day I can fall head over heels for the last guy who will ever be in my bed....

The New Years Baby Burped.....

Another year is here and I dont know what it has in store for me but one thing is for sure. Last year SUCKED and not in a good way. I couldnt WAIT for it to be OVER. I grieved over a lost 5 years of my life in a relationship with a guy who traded me in for drugs and sex with a dealer. Needless to say he doesnt even live here in the county anymore and they broke up after a couple months and he lost everything. I guess karma works the way it works.
I am finding out that men have one interest and it lies between their legs and baby its the wrong head. I am almost 52 and I get away with alot of things simply because I am in shape and dont look like a dried up prune. Most people take me for late 30s early 40s so you can only imagine the things I get away with simply because of my physical attibutes which have nothing to do with who I am on the inside. I grow tired of being hit on for sex with nothing more other than getting off. I never imagined that I would be this age and utterly alone...yeah yeah I have friends but I dont do the friends with benefits thing and I wake up alone and my days are alone and many of my nights..Once in awhile I find someone to share my bed and I always come to find they wanted nothing more than what they got that first night.
Men in my opinion are a bunch of fools. They want to be your friend AFTER they have you in bed. IF yer good then yer worth knowing and if not they dump you like the trash thats put out in the can for the next mornings pickup. As for a date? WHATS THAT?? YOU mean like going out to dinner without having sex? You gotta be kidding or asking for TOO much. After all if I cant get it from you I will just go back on the internet and pick up someone else who will give me what I want so who the hell needs you huh...Yup thats the way it is now.
It doesnt give me much to look forward to huh? Yeah I have given up on finding someone. I would rather spend whats left of my life taking care of me and enjoying my friendships. I dont have the fortitude to deal with the bullshit, drama, issues, ego, jealousies, insecurities, self hatred and addictions to sex booze and recreational drugs any more. ITs so much easier and cleaner to fool around then dump em out before breakfast so you dont owe them ANYTHING. It seems all the websites talk about are get on, get in, get off. Thats alot easier to deal with which is why all these gay pay sites do so well....MOST gay men have enough baggage to fill a Samsonite warehouse.
DO I have baggage...OH HELL YEAH...but I dont take it out on anyone else for what I went through growing up and how I was raised by two parents who were VERY screwed up. What was done to me as a child was not of my choosing but who I am as a MAN was what I chose and I cant blame everything that goes wrong in my life on them..I grew up and accepted the responsibility of my own actions and behavior; and hating myself is not an option. I tured out to be a really good guy with a big heart. Loving someone is never a mistake and many times its nothing you can control but how you love them and how it affects YOU as a person IS something you CAN control and deal with. I have come to find out that love isnt enough. I am single and happy; not desperate. I see alot of men around me so desperate that they KNOWINGLY date drug addicts, alcoholics and criminals just NOT to be alone. They will be anything, do anything and say anything just not to be alone and to say they are dating someone. Pretty sick huh?
Then theres the subject of open relationships where the two partners are *doing* everyone BUT the guy they are claiming to be their partner and in love with. Again, better a bad relationship than NO relationship. I get the "it works for us" thing many times but when you listen to them you see how god forsaken dysfunctional they really are and I dont screw with married guys..if yer not happy with who you are with, yer not using me to get what you DONT get at home..BUZZ OFF... Thats pretty much the world I am in... am ready to get off that ride..its making me nauseous. Then there are the guys who have been hurt and they tell you they are hurt but they go out with you anyway even though YOU end up being the shrink on the date because all they talk about is how awful their lives are and HOW much they have been wronged..FUN DATE HUH; NOT !!!! YOU sure as hell know that you dont stand a chance with them...the walls are too thick n deep...they bitch about being alone and even if a nice guy is RIGHT in FRONT of them...they dont see it...they focus on a guy who doesnt want them or on someone who has treated them like dirt... Go figure... Yeah welcome to faggotry.... I dont paint a pretty picture but I am sure many guys will read this and understand....
AND YET, through it all I am looking forward to whatever the universe sends my way because I live each day of life as best I can and with all I have seen and experienced I know the signs of when to RUN away..usually after 30 minutes... but at least I know when to run ....