In Your Eyes...the light the heat...

I know that whenever January rolls around, its the beginning of a new year for the earth and for me personally. My birthday comes exactly one month after Christmas Eve (Jan 24). I do alot of contemplating and soul searching. I went out last night down here in warm South FLorida to listen to the old music that the Jackhammer plays from the 70's and 80's. I went out alone and I came home alone which is the way I want it. Am not much into the *tricking* thing since I dont like having a total stranger in my house OR in my bed.
I got my proverbial bottle of water and went toward the dance floor and danced alone. I often get asked how a guy like me could be single. Very simple. I havent found a guy with a good soul who knows how to love anyone other than himself and his own needs. I was asked home by 5 different men last evening which actually insults me rather than compliments me because none of them asked about anything other than what a nice ass I have and how hot I looked. Yeah thats insulting.... How about some conversation other than sex? You know, like I have a PH.D, I am a successful business man, lost over 40 friends to AIDS, I was a male escort in my earlier days which put me through school to GET my degrees, my travels, life in general? I guess thats asking too much huh? Because I am in a bar I shouldnt expect anything other than BS? I dont buy into that. You could say the same thing about going to the gym, or a gay pride event or for that matter ANY event with gay men in it because as everyone knows gay men have no OTHER interest than screwing around with other men as much as possible. Well I DONT BUY THAT....The way I am out there, there ARE others who feel the same way I do. I just havent met them...maybe I never will....
Well, getting back to the dance floor. It felt very crowded. Not because of the other guys on the dance floor but because I felt all my friends who have died were RIGHT there with me. IT was both weird and comforting at the same time. I actually felt them around me. For a minute or two the tears began streaming down my face until I realized that I cant just cry on a dance floor but I did and I wallowed in it for those few minutes.
I didnt feel sad though but exhilerated that they were there with me and for a moment in time I had them all back. All the men I escorted with, the guys who became my friends, the guys I flagdanced with at the Saint in NYC and hung out with at Studio 54, Alex in Wonderland, Tracks, Mineshaft, Anvil; the guys who grew into gaydom with me..for that brief moment in time we were all together and I became awash in that spirit of joy which overwhelmed me (and NO I DONT do drugs of ANY kind so I wasnt high).
I have forgiven the powers that guide us all for taking them away from me. I forgave my mother for beating me and physically abusing me and my father for being ineffectual and emotionally unavailable. Yeah Yeah I did the years of therapy, and ended up with that PH.D in Child Psych...and I have always tried my damndest to help others who went through what I did.
I guess the best way to help is to be an example and I have always said...living well is the BEST revenge to ANY thing. MY family is dead; most of them in the physical sense and a few in the figurative sense for there are just some truly evil people and even from them I learned something VERY important..how NOT to be! Since I have no siblings I can never be a brother in law or uncle but it still gives me the opportunity to have family that *I* can choose. I had quite a big laundry bag of dirty clothes and it took years to throw out all the baggage I had others throw on my back but I got through it and here I am...
So where am I at now? I am single but never desperate. I have a big heart and an enormous capacity to love and I learned that actually from my last relationship of almost 5 yrs. I NEVER EVER would have thought that I would (or could) feel that much or so strongly for another man. That was actually such a big shock for me because of the depth and strength of my feelings. After all the pain and agony of not having him there anymore, it taught me abotu what I am made of in ways I have never known before. I now look forward with excitment to whatever the universe has in store for my but I want to spend the remainder of my life enjoying each and every day and if the stars align themselves just right, maybe one day I can fall head over heels for the last guy who will ever be in my bed....