Thursday, November 23, 2006

Spirit in my Life

Thanksgiving morning. Hard to think that the year is slipping away into history. Everything that I am is because of what came before. The pain and sorrow of my friends who died of AIDS, the guys who have been in my life and my very upbringing; ALL of it determined who I am now. I often think of the words from one of my favorite shows that the old woman said. Even when you have a reason to get up in the morning, sometimes life can turn around and spit in your face. I think the secret is to turn right around and spit right back at life. I prefer playing in traffic than standing on the sidelines.
I have a great deal to be thankful for. As much as I didnt have the best parents in the world, I had to make the best of what I was given but I CAN choose who I wish to treat like and call family and THAT IS within my power. I have a rule on holidays. NO ONE that I know will EVER be alone for them. I was often by myself because mother didnt want ANYONE in her house for holidays because she didnt like to clean up after them and she always blamed my father for never lifting a finger and having her do all the prep work which I still dont get it but it was what it was. Here I am single and I GLADLY do all the work, cooking and cleaning and I ENJOY having a full house, but then again I do that all year long for those I call family. I pretty much believe in the open door policy. I ALWAYS have people drop by all year long and I really enjoy it. I guess after being alone for much of the earlier part of my life I now enjoy the choices that I make rather than having to live by ANYONE else's rules. ITs MY home, MY RULES.
I am privileged to know alot of great people and I am constantly expanding my circle. I figure that by the time I am 60 I will need an auditorium to throw a good party with all the people I want to come and if thats what it takes so no one is left out..then SO BE IT.
I have my health. I have GREAT men in my life. I have a wonderful home. The MOST important of these is that I am finding PEACE. Without peace you have NOTHING. IF you dont have peace in your spirit you cannot move onward in your life. IF you dont have peace you cannot truly love anyone. If you dont have peace you cannot go to bed every night with a clear mind and spirit. Peace is something that happens TO you when you live your life in accordance with who you are and what you REALLY believe in and NOT settling for less then what your needs desires and wants are. Life can try to get in the way of that but if you remain focused you cannot lose peace once you have found it and know what it is.
I have a long day ahead of me. I am of course opening up the house to my friends, my family actually and I am VERY excited. So many times I am like a boy who is waiting for Santa to arrive. Find the joy in life and be thankful for where you are. You are exactly where you need to be at this very moment in order to learn what you need to learn. Enjoy the journey even if it hurts. It will get better. It always does. Remember that you have the power to MAKE it better if you so choose to. Any choice you make or have made can be undone but its up to YOU to do that. Oh yeah, I am thankful for the pain of growth and to those who hurt me and treated me like shit for it gave me the wisdom to be able to write this today....and to find that peace and joy I now have. HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL !!!

Friday, November 10, 2006

Here Comes the Rain Again....

I thought of this song by Annie Lennox..This week has been so weird its become laughable. I had friends coming down from Jacksonville today. The guy gets a cold then gets a coughing spell SO bad that he knocked 3 discs out of place on his back and had to go to the ER. He is home now but in alot of pain. I think I am afraid to ask ANYONE to come over because some unforseeable doom will befall them the minute they attempt to get here...
There were *other* things that contributed to this bad week but it would take an entire Danielle Steele novel to type it out all. I just got in from the local bar because I just wanted to chill out. I end up getting hit on by a deaf guy who WOULDNT keep his hands off me and of course because he was deaf he couldnt hear me say ANYTHING to him. I had to remove his hands from my person 7 different times. He carried a notepad and pen so I had to WRITE out TO him to leave me alone, aside from the fact he was 22, was REALLY obnoxious, and didnt want to take NO for an answer. After about 15 minutes of trying to reason with him, I FINALLY made my point and he left. The Magic continues. There were several times that I looked up to heaven and said " you can stop the curse now, I get the message".
I can write an entire chapter about my contractor AND the real estate agent in Brooklyn fixing then selling my house but that was just ANOTHER thing that went wrong aside from the rain they had in NYC this past week and my leader pipe coming down from the roof and instead of the rainwater going into the pipe, something caused the pipe to gush the water OUT of the pipe and into the neighbors cellar while MINE remained dry.
Then theres the apt building that the bathroom floor cracked and was falling. THAT had to be removed, the beams strengthened and a new floor put back with tile, grout, toilet and sink ALL had to be put back. YUP folks the magic continues again and it ALL happened this week...ALL of it.
I just CANT WAIT until tomorrow to see if the universe is going to give me the finger again. I have had enough of the finger thrown at me to last FIVE more freakin lifetimes. I'll keep you posted.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006


When it rains it sucks and when it pours you drown. I didnt have a very good day for a number of reasons. It would take a chapter but the crux of it is that I DONT want to be a landlord anymore and own property in the city of NY. IF you are a landlord you are guilty and have to prove yourself innocent. I cant wait for my house to sell so I can be DONE with all of the bullshit.
Its on days like this that life REALLY SUCKS and not in a good way. The guy who was coming to visit on Thursday left me an email telling me his father got a massive coronary and died. That sent me on a tailspin. IT reminded me of another guy back in '99 who told me his mother was in a car crash and died the night before he was to get on a plane and visit me. IT turned out his mother had indeed died, FIVE years earlier. He got cold feet and chickened out. Now I gotta be honest, I did go into that "holy crap someone else is doing what this other guy did" for about an hour but I figured that you cannot put every situation as the same. It was human to do so but I know he wasnt the same guy as before, but being human I agonized over it for several hours and got it out of my system. Couple that with how the REST of my day went and you got ONE BAD DAY. I had plans to go out to dinner with some buddies from my gym and had considered cancelling out but I didnt and I am glad that I went because I had a GREAT time..Good food, conversation and company all conspired to make me feel a hell of a lot better. I guess that as my friend Scott ALWAYS tells me, "it AINT all about you Jim", really hit home tonight. I dont know why I am not connecting with anyone local. I get very annoyed that I am ALWAYS being told, and I quote " I cant believe a guy like you is single or why is a guy like you single?" I think if I hear that ONE more f*uckin time, I am gonna spit up!! I'm single because no one wants to do anything more than screw. NO ONE wants to get to know anyone; THATS WHY I AM SINGLE, DAMN IT!! ME being who I am, I cannot and WILL NOT compromise who I am as a leatherman. I CANT and I WONT. I would prefer dying alone that being who I am not! I must be either too old, too this or too that. Too thin, not beefy enough or whatever enough or the best one; I intimidate guys. HOW? I'm breathing? Sometimes I get very angry for where I am at because even though I am supposed to be in this spot I dont freakin like it at all.
My friends can go out and bing bang bong meet someone and end up on a REAL date; I can go out for months and NOTHING. I am the freakin Susan Lucci of leathermen. I keep striking out. Many times I dont get up to bat at all. Then people wonder why I feel that I will be single for the rest of my life? I dont wonder at all anymore. Yeah yeah I get sex but thats not worth the sweat off my nuts. It doesnt mean a thing. ITs been a BAD BAD Day for me. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm OVER it ALL. I always thought that in giving you receive. You reap what you sow.
Well people, it AINT happenin and it hasnt in almost 2 years now and my back hurts from bendin over for others. IF this is some kind of test I am freakin over that BIG TIME. Yeah It was a BAD day...goodnight.