Sunday, July 29, 2007

Without Breaking

I just read this fable that was posted on a profile. IT was taken from one of Aesop's Fables and its EXACTLY how I am feeling today...
. ************************ Once upon a time there was a scorpion who wanted to get across the lake. One day he came upon a frog. He asked the frog if it would be willing to swim across the lake while the scorpion rode on its back. The frog replied, "I'm sorry Scorpion, I can't do that, because you'll sting me and we'll both drown." The scorpion replied, "I give you my word; I promise not to sting you. I just want to get across this lake. Besides, it would be stupid to do that!" So the kind hearted frog trusted the scorpion. The scorpion crawled on his back and the frog began to swim. When they got half way across the lake the scorpion stung him viciously in the back. The frog, now mortally wounded, cried out, "Why did you do that? Don't you realize that now we are both going to die!" The scorpion responded, "Yes I know, but I could not help it... IT'S IN MY NATURE" **************************************

I often get accused of being VERY negative; other times VERY self absorbed. What I have learned in 53+ yrs is that everyone is going to have some kind of opinion about something or everything about who you are even though the majority of the guys who give their opinion about you dont really know who you are..
MY writings here are only when I feel that need to speak of something that bothers me. The VAST majority of the time I am feeling GREAT. I have never in all my time on this earth have EVER had a bout of depression. I have never taken a pill to fix this or that or to make something work or NOT work. I have some incredible men in my life who I value deeply. I know what love is and what it ISNT. I know how awesome intimacy feels when you are so totally in love with another man that you cant see or think straight (no pun intended). I have no problem in dating a guy and working toward something permanent. The problem is finding someone to who you connect, click and feel chemistry with AND who can be ADULT enough to admit he feels the same way and WANTS to work WITH you toward developing a relationship.. THERES the problem. I cant seem to find that man (so far). I live my life in faith though and I truly feel that when the time is right he will show up without hesitation because he will be able to meet me and be as ready as I am...and if it doesent happen I intend having a great rest of the ride while I am here on this earth.
It sometimes gets VERY frustrating when I connect with someone and the feeling is mutual between us and when "they" use the 4 letter word (love) they freak and back away AFTER they realize what "they" have said to me. I get told that 4 letter word more often that I would like, but I am smart enough to know its NOT genuine love but infatuation and chemistry. The odd thing is THEY ALWAYS tell me they love be FIRST. Believe me I am not being a pompous ass here because it sounds like I am being a smart ass and that everyone wants me. On the contrary, if that were the case I wouldnt be single. I just dont believe in using that word recklessly and I know the difference between infatuation and sexual attraction to genuine love. As a result I know I dont chase guys away because I want it ALL yesterday or that I am pushing for an instant relationship. You cant get a teaspoon of it and mix it with water and get that. I firmly believe in dating and taking time to get to know someone over a period of time. That credo has saved me from making alot of mistakes..Granted, its kept me single for quite a long while but I dont want to go through any more bullshit with men who dont know WHO they are and what they want, so I tend to be the voice of reason not recklessness. I dont want to move in with you after a month or six. Talk to me a year from now about how I feel about you and AFTER I get to know WHO you are, if I can say that I love you then yeah we're gonna move in together because you're the one...Now GETTING to that point..a totally different story..
Back to the fable...
When I read that fable it profoundly hit me on how gay men are...they promise you, tell you, and proclaim to you but you get out on the lake swimming along with them, they end up stinging you and the result is you both end up drowning.
Yeah Yeah there I go being negative...but being realistic doesnt mean negative, but isnt it amazing how realism and negativity go hand in hand? I wonder what that actually infers or implies about our culture........and it doesnt mean that there arent wonderful, loving, passionate men...I just havent met him yet...or maybe I have and it will just take time for me to recognise that. I actually feel very optomistic because I DO live my life in faith, never hope. Hope is for a point in the future and since no one is promised that I choose to live my life in faith, which is in the present. Fear is NEVER an option.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Out of The Blue...

OK guys.. This one shook me to the very foundation of who I am. I get a phone call Monday before last from a buddy of mine down here. Known him a long time.. Leather boy in his early 40's. I figured it was to tell me of a good property on the market. Just 2 months ago we went to look at a distressed house sale. Good neighborhood, bad house with need of major repairs. I waited a week to call back because I simply kept forgetting. When I got to him, I find out that he has advanced lymphoma.. large cell (whatever that means) IT didn't shake me that he had cancer. What shook me to the very core of my soul and being was that he got himself infected with HIV only TWO years ago. The doctors give him a 50/50 chance of survival..and I don't mean in the next five years I MEAN NOW...
Well I was VERY upset for about 4 days until things subsided within me. I prayed and meditated and calmed myself down. WHY? Because it took me back to the mid 80s when guys were dropping like flies from HIV. When the meds came out there was a promise of hope that they could at least live 15, 20 or 25 years and then this nuclear bomb gets dropped.
So today I had a date with a guy I met on line. We met at a local coffee house. Well here's the deal. ME and this guy connected BIG TIME. His blue eyes sparkled and his smile just lit up his entire face and the gray in his thick goatee was a big turn on for me. Thankfully he felt the same way bout me.
There I am having a GREAT time with him and who should I see out of the corner of my eye but my buddy who's ill. MY heart sank and fell out of my chest. I almost began to cry right in the middle of my date. The guy noticing this asked me why the color drained from my face and what was wrong. I told him the story and trying not to put a damper on the great time we were having. I had to excuse myself and go outside to see him. I hugged him firmly but not tight. I again almost lost it but I said a fast prayer to forget about what I was feeling and to focus on him. He smiled and we hugged again. He had lost a good 35 pounds and was VERY thin.
The sparkle was there in his face and his eyes. The guy I always knew was in there and I focused in on the love I have always had for him. I love him but hate his disease. I was ok now.
We spoke for quite awhile and I held his hand and told him I loved him and that I am there and will BE there whatever he needs me for; whenever he needs me and however he needs me. I told him if he needs me at 4AM to call and I will come over.
He explained to me that he is going to get 4 rounds of chemo. I wanted him to go back to his family for support and help because as he told me he is going to continue to get sicker from the chemo. He will get much worse before he gets better. The doctors already gave him the first round. He lost all his head hair. Next round the rest of the hair on his entire body goes, aside form the cramps in the stomach, vomiting, pain and all the other wonderful things that happen when you take poison to try to get rid of the cancer..
I wondered what the freakin crap happened to those 15 20 or 25 years? I don't get it. Yeah he smoked alot and drank and he also did some meth but Hell DAMN...THIS FAST???????? I thought it was 2007 NOT 1984 ... IT really frightened me. Are the meds not working anymore?
Is it a strong strain of HIV? Could the smoking have done this or the drinking? The meth? Combo of all?
I think what bothers me the most...He's alone...Parents who are old cant take care of him and he's not all THAT close with his siblings..and they have their own families; so this man has VERY little to help him...
I'm upset that because his energies were never on finding someone to fall in love with that now as a result hes going to be on his own...
I don't think he has EVER had a long term relationship like 5 or 10 yrs and that to me is more of a tragedy than the diseases he is now facing along with his mortality at 42.
It's unfortunate that gay men will go a thousand miles for sex, take drugs to fit in and let go so the sex is more intense but they wont bother going an inch for love and intimacy. They always find an excuse even when there is none to push it away. I believe that's the reason why I am single. I can get all the sex I want. I get hit on several times a day even at 53 but if you even mention dating you think I said I had leprosy. As for the L word (love) lets NOT even go into that. Guys will say that TO you then tell you they never did OR that they loved you but weren't "IN love" with you although they actually TOLD you they makes themselves feel better for running away. They ease their guilt by making themselves believe that they NEVER said that when they did and by doing so lets them off the hook and thats just bullshit.
I call that approach being a coward because they cant fess up to their own words and actions because they are SO frightened of that word and the commitment involved..
I don't know where my friend fits in to that equation but I can tell you he's one HOT HOT man so I am sure the offers were there but he was too busy focused on running away.
The prospects of having to watch this AGAIN is not anything I am looking forward to. Hes 11 years younger than me but I WILL be there for him..Regardless of what he did or didn't do, hes my friend.
On a better note, the guy I had the date with? We are having dinner tomorrow evening at a local restaurant and on Saturday night we are going dancing.. :)