Sunday, December 21, 2008

A Very Fractured Christmas..

I'm going to sound like a reality series for LOGO ... Most of my family is dead. Mother is a vegetable at almost 93 and thats all she wrote. Uncles, aunts and my dad are all gone. To top it off one of my friends recently died of cancer due to complications of hiv disease..The asshole used tons of meth. He was only 43. Then my other friend has stage 4 liver cancer..those meds of HIV are so toxic. He has AIDS and he doesnt have much time left. He did all the right things but hes got less than 6 months to live. Another friend broke up with his boyfriend while they were on vacation here in FT Lauderdale. The guy tells him hes still married to his wife and breaks up with him while they are still here..that is after he was having sex with 7 other men in the hotel they stayed at. They go back home and the guy that got jilted (my friend) tried to commit suicide. I have No siblings and most of my friends died of AIDS; like I said.. a reality series for fags on LOGO.

To be honest it does get very lonely at times and its so damn hard not to look back..I sometimes feel like I have nothing to look forward to feeling down...not depressed but down. With the holidays so close I am feeling a bit lost.

Seems the holidays brings out both the best and the worst in people for many reasons.. I try hard to keep a good face on not because I don't want anyone to know but because if you behave down you end up feeling worse than you actually do.

I have been volunteering a lot of my spare time at the Gay Community Center here in South Florida to keep busy especially at this time of year. I am getting back much more than I could ever give. The days are fine but the nights can be stressful and lonely. I want to keep on going until I drop because it stops me from thinking.. So far I am hanging in there.

I don't think I can use the excuse that I am single because if you find the wrong guy thats even worse than being single..The open relationship bullshit doesnt work at all for me. I am having friends over for Xmas eve and Xmas Day..My friend thats dying will be here..This is likely the last time he will celebrate the holidays so I decked out my home inside and out and invited him along with other friends to have their meals here. My holiday party this past weekend was a BIG hit and he laughed and joked and enjoyed himelf alot. He looks so frail and weak. HIV coupled with the liver cancer (7 malignant tumors on his liver) sucks. I HATE having to watch this happen to a friend I have known 17 years. I feel helpless and powerless. I am doing my best to hold it together but I lose it when I am alone and I wish I had someone there for me but for some reason the universe has decided that I fuckin deserve to be alone and THAT royally pisses me off. I think I am more angrier than sad because when hes gone its over for him but then I have to grieve again, ALONE..

Sounds like its all about me eh? Well I have been though this shit too many times and in plain English I am GETTING TIRED of it..

I just would like some peace...and I dont know how to go about getting it.. I feel like I have no one to talk to or hold me...I feel utterly lost at times.. I cant sleep many nights and when I fall asleep I dont stay asleep..I am doing my best ...but I am tired... I hope that I can give him some good memories as he gets sicker and sicker so he has something to look back on as hes dying..but I need something for me...I think after the holidays are over I am going to take several days to go down to Key West and just take a good spiritual book to read and do nothing...

In the meantime..A very merry christmas and new year to all...

Sunday, December 07, 2008

How Far We've Come

Damn Damn long since I last wrote. My frined rick Force here in FT Lauderdale died of AIDS related cancer. He was only hiv for 3 years but he did tons of crystal meth, Tina, or as I call it, the devil itself.
A part of me was very sad and another, very angry. I say it a thousand time but I will say it again; I don't get it..
I've been drafted into running for a leather title..yeah I know.. I am always bitching about titles but this time if I won it I would be working for the community, not promoting myself. My ego isnt that big and its not about me..I am wokring at the Gay Community Center here in FT Lauderdale and I answer the main switchboard phones. I am LOVING it and I am meeting a great bunch of guys who DONT go to bars; DONT do the "scene" but have lives that DONT revolve around the word gay and I am REALLY enjoying myself. In the past 3 months I have received 2 certificates of appreciation by the Center for my volunteer work so I must be doing it right.
I got invited for Thanksgiving dinner and I had a fantastic time. I have lived in Ft Lauderdale over 8 yrs and this was the first invitation for a holiday dinner I have ever had. I was thankful that everyone invited was single so I didnt have to be the third wheel on a boat full of couples. LOL ... I have been dating on and off, get taken out to dinner, am getting hit on left right and sideways; actually moreso now than 20 yrs ago..Damn I must look good...LOL.
I am now at the point where I am requesting the universe to send me the RIGHT guy ....the guy that I would have my last long term relationship with for after all, at almost 55, I am not going to live forever and I would want this time to last for the rest of my life..for however long that is...and since this is one thing beyond my control theres no point in me getting nervous or upset. It is what it is..If I never find him then it wasnt meant to happen but it sure would be nice to be in love again... I was getting to that point with David but he bolted..I think we would have had a great life together..I think the universe used me to teach him something....because I didnt learn a damn I take that back.. I learned that I was capable of feeling love; that I was even willing to go into the frigid north to be with him....but he didnt stay, chased me away and he made sure it wasnt meant to be...
I havent yet decided what Xmas will be yet. I am having a big Xmas party at my home on the 20th. That should be tons of fun..I am nejoying my Hybrid getting 61 MPG and I gas up once every 6 weeks...but I did buy a second car...I like the sport around town with my small jepe down sides off and its perfect in the tropical winter here..well thats if you want to call it winter...
I am going to make more of an effort to write..It does free me in so many ways I cant explain..
Cath you later...