A Leathermans Journey in Political Incorrectness.

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2009-09-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

ITs been a VERY long while since my last blog. Several weeks after I wrote my last post I went to Augusta Georgia to compete in a leather title contest. I had a perfect score up until I had to drop out. Seems I contracted strep throat and on Fri Feb 13th I had a fever up there at about 104. I had classic symptoms, high sudden onset fever, VERY sore throat that I couldnt swallow, diarrhea and swollen glands. It was scary because the tylenol wasnt working to get my fever down so I had to put my feet in a cold water bath and get rags on my forehead to get my fever down. My heartbeat became erratic from the high fever so I knew I was in trouble. I had NEVER EVER been so sick in my life. In fact I didnt even know at the time what I had. I assumed it was the flu. I managed to drive home on Sun and stayed in bed for a week. It wasnt until the following Wednesday that I noticed that my urine was the color of golden blossom honey. I ran to my MD without making an appointment because I wasnt feeling well and I knew something was wrong. He asked me if I had been sick within the past 10 days. Of course I said yes. I was diagnosed with strep infection that went into my kidneys causing them to bleed.
I was put on THREE courses of 3 different antibiotics and sent to a kidney specialist. I had numerous blood tests and had to get tons of rest for the next 7 weeks. What scared me was when the PA mentioned the word cancer and went into all sorts of scenarios. MY blood was also tested for cancer makers which thankfully came back negative. It made me think of my friends who died of AIDS and it gave me a glimpse of what they must have gone through. I felt very alone and lost. I couldnt work out and I couldnt do much of anything. I tried not to get depressed and thats when the universe stepped in.
I got a phone call from a guy named Mario from out of the blue asking me to come join a group called Fusion which was located several blocks from my home. I thought it would be good to see what it was all about so I went to one of their leadership meetings which steered the organization.
THAT WAS The MOST important phone call I could have gotten. At that first meeting in February, I was asked to take on a project called American Heroes. On one of the walls were 3 names of those who made a difference in the gay liberation movement. Harvey Milk, Scott Hall and Pedro Zamora. There was a one page condensed biography with photo of them which was framed in an 8 by 11 frame.
I reluctantly agreed to spearhead the new project. My mind was on my kidneys and although I was in no pain I was scared shitless because of the complications that could set in. The specialist had me come back several times for more blood tests, urine tests and watching to see if my ankles and hands became swollen and if my blood pressure was on the rise; two very bad signs that my kidneys weren't working.
I began to work on *the Wall* and add more names. IT took my focus off me and I placed my attention on adding more names. The name of the wall was changed to nCOURAGEu which focused on these people who came before and those who stand up now to enourage you to be the best you can be. AS time went on, none of the complications set in. The specialist determined I had a mild case because as he put it, my urine didnt get the color of mahogony. By Memorial day week everything was back to normal with my blood and urine and the wall had grown substantially.
I spent the summer working on the wall and getting back into life. I got heavily BACK into the gym and I look better now than ever (Even if I have to say so myself)
The wall has a website, http://www.ncourageu.org/ and has grown to 77 names. I have gone to different venues to talk about the project and have been well received. In August I went back to Augusta and this time to bring the project to the very same group I was in when I got so sick in February. Again the project was WELL received. Everyone was so glad to see me looking so good and whole.
I am now looking for a publisher to get this into book form. There are NO real books on the history of those who made substantial differences to the community and I would like to get this into every college and high school in the United States. You have bits and pieces but theres really nothing comprehensive. All of the proceeds will be donated back to the community. I dont have any right to make a profile off of other peoples lives and struggles. All I want is for others to learn what I have and benefit from it.
I often think that if I didnt get sick I would have likely won that leather title but look at what I would have missed out on. When you get sick like that it really not only humbles you it makes you realize how fast you can lose it all and that life is NOT infinite. I learned that lesson VERY well. I see things VERY differently now. MY focus isnt on finding Mr. Right anymore. What a waste of my time that was..Yeah hes out there and we'll run into each other when the time is right but if it doesnt happen I am not going to eat my heart out anymore bemoaning the fact that I am single. I am thankful to just be here.
When I went back to Augusta in August, one of the ladies there had a sister who had the EXACT same thing I had and on June 13, 2009 she DIED!!!!
It hit me that it could have been me, but it wasnt. I have work to do and that doesnt include bitching about being single or not finding the right guy. What a waste of my energy. I am REALLY ok now with being single. I now work with Fusion on other projects, with the Gay and Lesbian Community Center in a greater capacity (I'm one of the volunteer coordinators) and now with the Names Project (AIDS Memorial Quilt). I would have missed out on ALL of this but for one bacteria. Its odd how things happen...

ONE postscript...my friend with the stage 4 liver cancer is STILL with us. The doctors dont know everything nor can they *predict* when ones time is up...am VERY grateful to have him here yet and I got to throw him his 72nd birthday in July ... I may yet have him around for another holiday season.. I am VERY grateful....

Supernature

2009-01-30T23:43:00.000-08:00

Hard to think of myself at 55. My birthday was last Saturday. I had a great time. My friend with the stage 4 liver cancer is getting worse and the cancer is progressing and spreading. Thank GOD his sister is coming down to stay with him until the end which isnt too far away. Those freakin HIV meds are poison...but unfortunately theres not much of a choice ...you take the meds or you die sooner..but at least it gave him an extra 18 years of live..even though hes looking so bad and his time here is nearing an end..It still hurts even after all this time seeing so much..it still hurts..

As for myself, I am doing good and feeling good...after my last post I have done a ton of soul searching about things...Getting pissed off doesnt work...getting angry doesnt work either. Those two emotions aren't going to amount to anything because in feeling them you change nothing. You certainly dont change the assholes you come into contact with. They will still go off and be assholes. Getting down doesnt work either..
It does however make me understand why so many men have given up on love and finding someone.
Finding someone because youre afraid of growing old alone is the wrong reason to look for someone..If I want a caretaker in 25 years I can hopefully pay for one..
You look for someone because you want to love someone in a very intimate and special way..and if I dont find that in that particular way ever again thats ok because there are many other ways to love..and I can have all of the other ways even if I cant have THAT way..
I can get laid when I want and can have Mr Right now..granted its not the best but hey I have no intentions on being celibate for the remainder of my life..time will soon come when no one wants me anyway ..Gay men are too youth oriented..so one day I will no longer be wanted...and I think I was trying to beat the chronological and biological clock of growing old and ugly which is the death knell for fags...but those are all the wrong reasons..ALL of them wrong...
My outlook for the new year and the remainder of my life will be different.. I will be different..
Its an interesting journey I am on..I am finally at a place of peace within myself..Its been a long month since my last post but I have grown tremendously and I now understand it all....
As the movie, Meet the Robinsons says throughout the show..KEEP MOVING FORWARD...
2009, HERE I COME..................

A Very Fractured Christmas..

2008-12-21T22:37:00.000-08:00

I'm going to sound like a reality series for LOGO ... Most of my family is dead. Mother is a vegetable at almost 93 and thats all she wrote. Uncles, aunts and my dad are all gone. To top it off one of my friends recently died of cancer due to complications of hiv disease..The asshole used tons of meth. He was only 43. Then my other friend has stage 4 liver cancer..those meds of HIV are so toxic. He has AIDS and he doesnt have much time left. He did all the right things but hes got less than 6 months to live. Another friend broke up with his boyfriend while they were on vacation here in FT Lauderdale. The guy tells him hes still married to his wife and breaks up with him while they are still here..that is after he was having sex with 7 other men in the hotel they stayed at. They go back home and the guy that got jilted (my friend) tried to commit suicide. I have No siblings and most of my friends died of AIDS; like I said.. a reality series for fags on LOGO.

To be honest it does get very lonely at times and its so damn hard not to look back..I sometimes feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore..am feeling down...not depressed but down. With the holidays so close I am feeling a bit lost.

Seems the holidays brings out both the best and the worst in people for many reasons.. I try hard to keep a good face on not because I don't want anyone to know but because if you behave down you end up feeling worse than you actually do.

I have been volunteering a lot of my spare time at the Gay Community Center here in South Florida to keep busy especially at this time of year. I am getting back much more than I could ever give. The days are fine but the nights can be stressful and lonely. I want to keep on going until I drop because it stops me from thinking.. So far I am hanging in there.

I don't think I can use the excuse that I am single because if you find the wrong guy thats even worse than being single..The open relationship bullshit doesnt work at all for me. I am having friends over for Xmas eve and Xmas Day..My friend thats dying will be here..This is likely the last time he will celebrate the holidays so I decked out my home inside and out and invited him along with other friends to have their meals here. My holiday party this past weekend was a BIG hit and he laughed and joked and enjoyed himelf alot. He looks so frail and weak. HIV coupled with the liver cancer (7 malignant tumors on his liver) sucks. I HATE having to watch this happen to a friend I have known 17 years. I feel helpless and powerless. I am doing my best to hold it together but I lose it when I am alone and I wish I had someone there for me but for some reason the universe has decided that I fuckin deserve to be alone and THAT royally pisses me off. I think I am more angrier than sad because when hes gone its over for him but then I have to grieve again, ALONE..

Sounds like its all about me eh? Well I have been though this shit too many times and in plain English I am GETTING TIRED of it..

I just would like some peace...and I dont know how to go about getting it.. I feel like I have no one to talk to or hold me...I feel utterly lost at times.. I cant sleep many nights and when I fall asleep I dont stay asleep..I am doing my best ...but I am tired... I hope that I can give him some good memories as he gets sicker and sicker so he has something to look back on as hes dying..but I need something for me...I think after the holidays are over I am going to take several days to go down to Key West and just take a good spiritual book to read and do nothing...

In the meantime..A very merry christmas and new year to all...

How Far We've Come

2008-12-07T21:19:00.000-08:00

Damn Damn Damn..so long since I last wrote. My frined rick Force here in FT Lauderdale died of AIDS related cancer. He was only hiv for 3 years but he did tons of crystal meth, Tina, or as I call it, the devil itself.
A part of me was very sad and another, very angry. I say it a thousand time but I will say it again; I don't get it..
I've been drafted into running for a leather title..yeah I know.. I am always bitching about titles but this time if I won it I would be working for the community, not promoting myself. My ego isnt that big and its not about me..I am wokring at the Gay Community Center here in FT Lauderdale and I answer the main switchboard phones. I am LOVING it and I am meeting a great bunch of guys who DONT go to bars; DONT do the "scene" but have lives that DONT revolve around the word gay and I am REALLY enjoying myself. In the past 3 months I have received 2 certificates of appreciation by the Center for my volunteer work so I must be doing it right.
I got invited for Thanksgiving dinner and I had a fantastic time. I have lived in Ft Lauderdale over 8 yrs and this was the first invitation for a holiday dinner I have ever had. I was thankful that everyone invited was single so I didnt have to be the third wheel on a boat full of couples. LOL ... I have been dating on and off, get taken out to dinner, am getting hit on left right and sideways; actually moreso now than 20 yrs ago..Damn I must look good...LOL.
I am now at the point where I am requesting the universe to send me the RIGHT guy ....the guy that I would have my last long term relationship with for after all, at almost 55, I am not going to live forever and I would want this time to last for the rest of my life..for however long that is...and since this is one thing beyond my control theres no point in me getting nervous or upset. It is what it is..If I never find him then it wasnt meant to happen but it sure would be nice to be in love again... I was getting to that point with David but he bolted..I think we would have had a great life together..I think the universe used me to teach him something....because I didnt learn a damn thing...no I take that back.. I learned that I was capable of feeling love; that I was even willing to go into the frigid north to be with him....but he didnt stay, chased me away and he made sure it wasnt meant to be...
I havent yet decided what Xmas will be yet. I am having a big Xmas party at my home on the 20th. That should be tons of fun..I am nejoying my Hybrid Prius..am getting 61 MPG and I gas up once every 6 weeks...but I did buy a second car...I like the sport around town with my small jepe wrangler..top down sides off and its perfect in the tropical winter here..well thats if you want to call it winter...
I am going to make more of an effort to write..It does free me in so many ways I cant explain..
Cath you later...

Appreciate Me

2008-09-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

Well I got one for the books with this guy.. I have been hanging out with this guy named Danny (not his real name) who's got someone in his life..Get this..The guy has a lover and another boyfriend and this guy AND he grabs every guys ass he sees..right IN front of Danny and the disrespect is amazing..

Well Danny expressed an interest in me...so I went along with it...We hung out several times and had a good time together..TWICE he stood me up after telling me he wanted to be with me and hang out and spend time getting to know me and twice he stood me up...

I have already removed myself from the Leather Community down here because they are a bunch of men who screw around with each other and anything else they get their hands on aside from several of them bare-backing other men when they KNOW they are hiv positive and on meds....
Thats just fucked up..

After this latest bullshit with Danny, I am removing myself from the meat market. I cant be a part of this anymore because I dont have the stamina to deal with the bullshit I am seeing..
No one is honest and no one wants what I do so I dont want to waste my precious time on guys anymore..at my age its not worth wasting time or men who dont know the word honesty..they play you along then when they are done with you they kick you to the curb so fuck them....

I keep hearing in my head..KEEP MOVING FORWARD ..... and thats exactly what I intend on doing... I AM DONE !!

JUST BREATHE.....

2008-09-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

Actually it doesn't feel like that much time has passed...
Mom ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks and they found so many things wrong with her that her prognosis is limited. Granted she is heading toward 93 and this is the FIRST time shes ever been in the hospital other than giving birth. Not bad eh? If the Aortic aneurism doesnt get her, the blood clots will, even though they put a filter in her lungs to prevent them from getting in there. Then theres the diverticulitis and the ulcer. None of the MD's thought she would come home but shes been home now for several weeks..Its funny how things go. She has been wishing to die ever since I can remember. Such a miserable woman but her curse IS LIFE itself.
Either God or the universe has a perverted sense of humor..You think hes a leatherman?
Her dementia is so bad now she doesnt know her surroundings anymore or anyone who sees her. I tried talkin to her on the phone and she doesnt respond at all but then again she hasnt really responded to me in many years. I have been alone and on my own a LONG time...

I have come to peace with many things and am FINALLY accepting not just having peace about it. What I have been seeking doesnt exist anymore. The culture is different and the majority of gay men are, in plain english, fuked up. It is what it is...and thats ok..Things cant be the way I want them to be..reality would always prevent that from happening. I have been dealing with being alone for over 4 years now and I am FINALLY coming to accept it. I am no longer seeking anyone and after all the bllshit I have dealt with in just these last 4 years and from what I see in those guys who are IN relationships, I prefer being alone...

I was told that when you shoot low you hit garbage but if you shoot high you aim for the stars. You may never hit that star or catch it but in my belief my neck is getting tired from looking up so I dont bother anymore...At 54 I have resolved that and the only thing I intend on doing from now on is hitting life back with the 2 by 4 it has hit me with and enjoy myself until my time here is up...Any guy I had an interest in or who proclaimed their interest in me ended up being liars, players and phonies and I dont have the stamina to deal with it anymore..

I am though having a good time and enjoying my life. I feel freer than I have in a very long time.

I treated myself to a Brand New Toyota Prius with all the magic buttons...and a new laptop. I have no intentions of giving everything away so I am enjoying myself while I am still young enough to enjoy things. When I think of what my parents went through and for what? My dad died like a fuckin animal and he was such a good man and my mother is nothing more than a yelling, screaming vegetable who has no control of ANY bodily function, doesnt know where she is or anyone around her and has to be fed, burped, changed and cleaned...

We are all heading in that general direction and theres nothing I can do about that; HOWEVER I am NOT going to not enjoy myself while I can...After watchin all my friends die of AIDS, and in the process of watching several others dying now, coupled with the men I have had the unfortunate encounter to meet, it makes me realize that the only one I can count on is myself and that fags have no sense of anything other than getting at you to get off..chew you up and spit you out so I am focusing on me and MY needs...hittin the gym..got ALOT more ink work done and doing EXACTLY as I want for as long as I can, for myself.

yeah yeah yeah..bitter jaded call it whatever the hell you want BUT my father ALWAYS said to me..he who lives in hope dies in despair. I live my life with some semblance of faith because I know things are going to be alright one way or the other and since I am a gay man in my 50s and we live in a youth oriented steroided fake phony bodied culture, I just dont fit in...nor do I want to and I DONT fit into the leather community down here in FT Lauderdale AT ALL.. Its all about who you do, when you do him and how often you do whoever it is you do and thats whether you are in a relationship or not.. I wont use the word committed because that word doesnt exist!!!!

I am keeping mostly to myself with my friends..when I go out alone I hang out enjoy the music then go home..when I go on a date I get laid and move on just like them. I have no intention of staying celebate for the rest of my life from this point on so I use them, get off and move on..SAFELY..

In Your Life

2008-06-27T23:56:00.000-07:00

Its been far too long since my last posting here. IF I hear it one more time from anyone that they just cant understand how a guy like me is single I am gonna SPIT UP .... I think back to Brokeback Mountain and I would give anything I have to have someone love me like that. Hey I'd be happy to have someone love me at all. Even better if it were the right guy who I loved back. Granted it was really unrequited love but its more than what I have had in over 4 years which has been ZIPPO.
As a Buddhist I am told that the universe sends you what you need not always what you want. Well who the hell doesn't need to be loved? I have no answers but I guess you cant have the answers to everything.
Women feel their biological clock ticking.....at 54 I feel my time clock ticking and it would be a wonderful completion for the remainder my life to be loved and to have the privilege and honor to love someone again. After being out of the proverbial closet for over 38 years I still don't understand why guys prefer a trick over love and intimacy. Yeah, yeah, you have the option to go out and *do* whoever you want but that kind of sport sex gets B O R I N G. When I go to the Bars n clubs I see all these guys I know from the gym and other places hooking up with men I wouldn't shit on. I don't get it....when I go through my stage of hooking up with 3 or 4 or 5 men in a week it leaves me empty and unhappy and yet being alone leaves me the same way so theres no happy medium to this at all. IF you ask guys out on a date they run for the hills but if you hook up with them they come after you and the more you say no to a second time the more desirable you get. Then you get the guys over 40 who only want the guys so young they need diapers with the reason being is that they can manipulate them, or have a trophy boyfriend whereas they cant do that with someone their age or older. Then theres the open relationship bullshit. Why even bother? I guess that doesn't leave much left for me then eh? I'm the exception as I usually am in that I don't want a child. I don't do diapers or windows.
Again I DON'T get it...and from the looks of things am not sure I will.....
I was told several times that when you aim high you have to strain and hurt to reach for what you want and when you aim low you can get any piece of trash...
It's a quandary ....

You Dont Know...

2008-01-31T20:54:00.000-08:00

MY second posting about my 54th birthday because in reading my last post I left out other things I wanted to talk about because of my internal revelations which took precedence over what I am writing about here.
Seems my friends decided to REMIND me of my age...like a birthday cake with the grim reaper on it and a pile of dirt in one corner of the cake (chocolate) with the saying, I'm not here for you YET, just for the cake.
Even though I requested no gifts I got plenty of them and surprisingly everything that I was given I actually needed and used. I am a very privileged man. Not lucky but privileged because theres no luck involved in friendship. It's something you earn. I guess you can say the same for any relationship. I have very good feelings about my new year, my 54th. Been hitting the gym intensely on a new program and for some reason its really showing results even for a guy my age. Am eating mostly organic foods now. Am trying to go greener since this planet is in so much trouble. Cut down on driving so I walk or bike now ( bike as in bicycle). They opened up another gay thrift shop in the area called Out of the Closet and now I have 2 re sale places to go to so I am a pig in MUD. The weather is mostly in the 80s and the sun doesn't go down until after 6 and am hitting the beach once in awhile. I STILL find it awesome that I can wear a tank top in January and never wear hats, coats, gloves, scarves and still freeze my butt off. I love my garden and have started on the backyard. I also put in the hot tub in my Florida room and I am LOVING every minute I am in there..I especially enjoy it AFTER a workout either at the gym or in bed.
Yeah its going to be a good year for me. Something inside is telling me this.
I have traveled up to Asheville North Carolina already this year to look for some land to possibly build a log cabin on and I met a great guy up there who I spent the entire weekend with; well actually he spent it with me in my hotel room. HE took me around..we ate all organic meals at some awesome restaurants went to several local bars and I hung out with his bowling league. IT felt so good being intimate with someone again. It was just what I needed to realize that I still have it within me to feel those things for another guy. Seems that life jolts us with twists n turns but it always seems to provide me with the most important things I need WHEN I need it most.
I am excited and looking forward to this coming year.....

Keep it coming, Love

2008-01-25T01:54:00.001-08:00

I just finished celebrating my 54th Birthday and I had a fantastic time. My home was filled with the men in my life who care for me and treat me with love. Although I asked for no presents I was really surprised to have everyone bring me several gifts which I never expected.
I even had 2 pieces of cake which for me is like my quota for the year. I have been feeling on top of the world these days. No particular reason. Been just enjoying myself.
MY two long time friends, one from California and the other from NYC called me this evening. I was happy to learn that both have found someone that they are dating steady which is a BIG change because through my 20+ years in knowing them, I have been the one dating someone and they were both always and incessantly single.
IT hit me like a ton of bricks lying in bed that I had been very angry over the choices I have made and felt like those I chose were nothing but a waste of my time. Now because of that I am single and my two long time friends who waited have found someone. AS much as I have been privileged to know some of the men I have known in my life, because of my screwed up upbringing, I chose the wrong type of men; ie, drug users, alcoholics and cheaters which ALSO made me angry at my parents, especially mother for the 10 yrs of beatings and physical abuse, trying to get me committed for being gay when I was 17, wishing I died of AIDS etc etc etc. Maybe somewhere in my head, because of that, I felt like I didn't deserve to find someone of ethics and quality and here I am at 54 single because of the choices I have made, and I guess I deserve it because no one forced me to get involved with them. For the longest time I felt that I learned nothing from them and that my time WITH them was wasted but now I feel that it wasn't wasted. I had to first see what the hell I was doing to make that pattern change. I have been single for 3 yrs now and its preferable to being with another one like that. I think this is the longest time I have not been involved with someone. I am now in a place of peace within myself and I am much more aware of the guys I meet; none of which meet any of the criteria for a relationship. I don't have to be with anyone and its ok that I did what I did because I have learned some valuable lessons from it. I do wish it hadn't taken me this long though but I guess it needed to happen in the way it did.
At this point in my life I am not really sure I want anyone ever again. I vacillate back and forth on that issue. MY upbringing was so screwed up its amazing that I am here on this planet at all.
When I got angry at the universe for keeping me single I didn't understand why but this evening I understand. I wasn't ready for anyone since I was so angry at what happened to me even though it was by my own choosing. Am seeing the forest for the trees now.
Maybe thats why I put a lot of my energy into these stupid inane chat sites on the net. I knew it would be likely that these guys would be a long distance away and yet I would get angry when nothing came of it or they decided not to come visit or if they did, angry that they wouldn't come back or I felt used and REALLY angry if they found someone else closer TO them or in another part of the country without giving me any chance at all. It's all VERY clear to me now. Its funny how the light bulb in my head simply clicked on. I DON'T want a long distance anything other than pen-pals and I guess thats why deep down nothing ever worked out. These men had NO intentions of committing to anything other than a fuck. I guess it saved me a lot of grief in the long run (barring Mr. Mid-West jerk-off) but I couldn't even see THAT for what it was worth, but I FINALLY can now.
Its a NEW year for me with new adventures, travels, goals and ambitions. Keep it coming love, I am ready for whatever ride you take me on in my 54th year. TALLY HO !!!!!

Stronger and Stronger..

2008-01-11T10:48:00.000-08:00

Well folks 2008 came in like a lamb. It was a GREAT holiday season for me. I had friends over for Christmas Eve and Day then another open house for New Years Eve. I really envoy having people over. Life is too short ( and getting shorter by the moment for me) to be worried about messing up the house. I had a major problem with the plumbing back in December but it got resolved after the dug up a 3' x 3' section of the garage floor only to find that when the jackass built the house and they laid the PVC pipe for the sewer lines, none of them were glued. They pulled them off by hand so they had to replace them and this time they did it right. All of this took place a week before Christmas but they got it all done...I couldn't use the main sink in my kitchen for 9 freakin days. Now that WAS a pain in the butt.
You do the best you can and thankfully it got all takin care of before the Christmas Eve. We all had a fantastic time. Now I am getting ready for birthday number 54 on Jan 24th.. I sometimes cant believe that I am where I am...so much time has passed and it doesn't feel like I am the age I am. I think bout it from time to time but I don't want to waste time thinking about anything I don't have the power or ability to change..so I glance at it then move on...
Well speaking of moving on, I am in Asheville North Carolina. I am looking at land to buy and invest in. the area is at the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains and let me tell you the area is absolutely breathtaking to see. Its a great day here in the 50s' but it DOES get very cold from time to time, so I KNOW I would never come up here in the winter but the summers here must be amazing. I didnt see anything that I liked today but I will go see several more parcels tomorrow. Not sure anything will come of this trip land wise but you don't know until you try...
On a side note... I met a guy on line several years ago who happens to live here in Asheville. Well we met last night for the first time..Man the chemistry and hormones flowed like fine wine. He spent the night with me..Hes the FIRST guy in almost a year that I felt comfortable enough to sleep with the entire night. The last one being the guy from the Midwest who ran like he was on fire when he realized he had feelings for me..He punked out and dumped me..its in an older blog of mine and I don't wanna rehash the same crap. In hindsight he wasn't worth my time..
This guy is in his mid 40's, 6'1" shaved head, blue eyes and a goatee. We really hit it off. We went out to dinner and just had a great time..The guy could make out for a living..WOOF. Yeah I guess you could say I am in serious lust and its been a LONG time since I have been able to say that. Am going to spend the rest of my time here with him and since its Friday I will have several more days with him..the really great thing for me was that it WASN'T about getting off or sex. I just wanted him next to me, to be with me and just to enjoy who he is. Man it felt SOOO good. We will see where this goes...In the meantime I am enjoying my time and my stay here in the hotel..Very cozy and comfortable..and warm..

Gimme Gimme MORE

2007-11-28T21:40:00.000-08:00

Hey all... Thanksgiving has come n gone. I had 10 for dinner and it was GREAT. I cooked 2 turkeys in the oven and I had NO leftovers. These boys can eat. The weather was warm and sunny. The Florida room is finished and now my attention moves to the bedroom. I have the original carpet from the former owners who had 2 big dogs and I have tried everything to get that carpet cleaned but no dice so OUT it comes. With Christmas bearing down I need to get tuchus in gear.
I actually got all my Xmas cards already sent out so thats done. The tree goes up bout the 15th or so. Have been working in the backyard garden around the FLorida room. The backyard is HUGE ( 80 feet X 50 and yes thats just the BACK yard, the front is almost as big) and I cant do this myself so I am getting some help from a Landscape service. The front has a big concrete drive which knocked out a good portion for plantings, BUT that was still enough work to do by myself but the back has no concrete so its REALLY BIG.
Been hittin the gym frequently and on a new nutrition plan.....trimming down and almost back in my 30 inch waist 501 blue jeans which motivates me to do more....I have to age but I dont have to look, act or feel fat and old. Been meeting my share of guys but only time will tell if any of them is the right one for me....everytime I say that, (the right one) I cant help but drift back to Mr Midwest and his stupidity. NOW I can laugh at it and him....before I couldnt. It hurt. IT doesn't anymore.
Usually at this time of year I get very sad, not depressed but sad. For some reason though this year I am not. I am contented with where my head space is at and where I am at in my life. I feel I am exactly where I need to be right now. and its a GOOD PLACE to be.
I do alot of soul searching and contemplation at this time of year. I review in my head what happened and what didnt; what I accomplished and what I want to do and go toward and what goals I set for myself. I learned that if oyu are not expanding your life you are automatically contracting and I am too damn young for that. Talk to me in 40 years before I intend on allowing that to happen to myself. When you live your life in faith you have nowhere to move but FORWARD. So much to do yet and so many goals to be realized..Gimme gimme more .....

Dont Stop

2007-11-09T22:41:00.000-08:00

Things have been REALLY busy here. After almost 4 yrs of being in my home I FINALLY got my hot tub deliverd today. I have a Florida room right outside my bedroom and I now have a GREAT hot tub in there so I can use it anytime I want, day or night..
Been doing alot of work on my house both inside and out. Hurricane season is over and the weather is specatular. For you northerners its like being in NYC in June...before the humidity come in and its dry and warm. This is the weather we now get until next May. It never really gets cold, just comfortable.
Am doing really well this past month and I have come to accept and enjoy where I am at. I am getting ready for my annual Thanksgiving party in my home. I open up my house for all the guys who dont have a place to go; either because their families are too far away or dont bother with them or they are dead. I dont think anyone should be alone on a holiday and I always invite anyone who I know that doesnt have anyone to share the holiday with. NO ONE should be alone on a day when we celebrate a day to be thankful for what we have. I promised that ANYONE who I know is welcome to come over to my home to have turkey dinner with all the trimmings rather than go to a diner or a bar with a bunch of total strangers.
I have been ENORMOUSLY blessed in that area. I truly have a good group of men who love me just for being me and if I never had one special guy I still have many who care for me and in my opinion that puts me ahead of the pack because I have more than one guy to count on since I dont have anyone else. In all the present renovations with my home and the townhouse I bought I have not even had to ask for help. They knew I needed help and just showed up. Try to get a boyfriend to get off his ass for you without whining.. I had been thinking how alone I was since being single for so long but then I realised I wasnt alone at all...I had a bunch of boyfriends who did more for me than any guy who I gave myself to....the only difference being is that I didnt have sex with them because they were my friends..my family..
It was like the proverbial light bulb being switched on in my head..
I AM a VERY lucky man....

Turn The Page

2007-10-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

Odd for me to write the very next day after such a long post but here I be. It was a good day. I bought myself a townhouse back in August for an amazingly cheap price for investment and am gonna rent it out. ITs less than a minute from my present home and I have been in the throes of renovating it and having a BLAST doing it. IT seems to be trimming me down from all the manual labor. I demolished the entire kichen and bathroom and had an Italian Stone floor put in.
Seems I have a list of friends wanting to rent it from me. I got up this morning and went to the Publix here to get groceries for a date I have invited over tomorrow night for dinner. SO there I am walking down the isle when I felt that someone was following me and just then this guy stopped me and asked to see my inkwork. Ten minutes later I have his number and we have spoken on the phone several times already.
Yeah it was a good day. ITs a welcome change from all the stooges I meet on line. I have dramatically cut back my time on line because these men are a bunch of assholes, and by labeling them as assholes I have done a great disservice to that human part of the anatomy.
For the remainder of the day I felt really good. I dont have to always meet guys on line to chat with and who live SO far from me that in all liklihood I will never meet them.
Once in awhile though something good comes from it. I met this guy from the other side of the state, FT Myers area and I come to find he recently moved here to FT Lauderdale so we will be getting together also. I guess one has to be discriminating in cases on the net.
After that situation I went to the gym then to my townhouse to paint the entire empty kitchen. Tomorrow, all the appliances arrive and I wanted to paint before the new appliances got there and I am happy to say that it ALL got done. Am still wiating for the cabinet guy to install the new cabinets. Whats really cool is that the small complex has a heated pool so with me being an owner in there now I have a pool to go to and relax. The complex is full of gay men so one never knows what the universe has in store. At least these guys live here and I dont have to go through what I did with the guy from the midwest......

Whispering your Name

2007-10-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

ITs taken me several months to think about what I am typing here. In the almost 3 yrs of being single I met someone from the midwest and its supposed to be a happy ending when you and he feel the same way, but then again when one of the guys involved gets cold feet and FREAKS OUT, its neither happy or the right ending.
We met on Tax day April 15th. I knew when I looked at him there was something I saw in his eyes I didnt see in anyone else. I always assumed he felt the same because when we clicked eye to eye it was amazing. After picking him up at the airport we got into my kitchen and locked lips for several hours just standing up. That wasnt really the best thing though. In the 3 months I saw him we were intimate only 3 times. I enjoyed his company so much that sex wasnt really a priority. Being with him was. HE was really my priority. I again thought he felt the same. One night he must have been staring at me. Well, he woke me up and told me he was in love with me which became the first of many times. It went so far as he told me and I quote him, " I was THE ONE". It didnt scare me but I did think it was a bit fast but I thought, heck the man is in his 40's and has been around the block as we all have been so maybe he does actually feel what he has been consistently telling me.
HE visited me in FT Lauderdale twice. He even went to an office where he could actually have been transferred to FLorida and his base was a mile from my house. He went there and put in his intentions. I didnt expect it to happen in 6 months but I knew it was moving in the right direction even if it took a year or two. It didnt matter to me because I just wanted to be with him.
I went up to see him in the midwest in May for a week and again it was great. HE left clothes in my house and I left some of mine in his. In June his parents came to visit him for two weeks. The plan was that I would come up after they left and I would have stayed with him for a month.
As much as I hate the cold I would have been willing to stay with him up there and go back n forth to FLorida until the time was right in his mind for him to want to leave the frigid north.
Well, I never bothered him while his folks were there but as time went on and they left he just backed off. Up till this day I dont understand it other than the extremely destructive family he had and his dad was ill and he was dealing with issues. Instead of accepting my support he pushed me away. In his last letter to me he claimed he NEVER said he was in love with me and began this idiotic explanation about what he meant by saying I was THE ONE. He tried to wiggle his way out of EVERYTHING he did and said to rationalize his wanting out of something that was good. IF you could have seen the look on his face when he looked at me you'd understand better. I know that he couldnt look at me and tell me the things he wrote to me in that email because had he looked at me he could have NEVER said what he did. The only thing about him is that he couldnt lie; not when he was looking DIRECTLY into my eyes; so, he took the cowards way out and wrote an email.
IT hurt me more than I actually thought it would and has taken me several months to get over it and him. I do still think of him and I can say I miss him on occasion. I guess when something is left unfinished its worse than a bad break up which has a conclusion...I wonder if I EVER cross his mind or if he EVER feels he made a mistake. OK I know that I will never really get any answers to that but there IS one ANSWER I do have..
Even with what I have gone through, what I have seen, and done, I can STILL love and have a GREAT capacity for it. That actually made me feel GREAT and each night when I put head to pillow it makes me smile. I was actually beginning to *feel* love for him. Anyone who knows me knows how I hate the cold but I would have been willing to stay WITH him up there just to be WITH him. I guess when you feel strongly for someone you do what you have to, to be WITH them. Unfortunately as much as I thought he felt the same, he didnt or maybe he did and got chicken shit scared. I'd like to believe that was the case or he was a damn good actor..
Odd thing is, he HATES the cold also but change frightens him so much he would rather stay in a place he hates than face the unknown entity of change. HE lives in a toally straight area of the burbs and he hangs out with all his married neighbors but none of them knows about his HIV.
He likes them so much but is scared they will not bother with him anymore because of it; so why would you live in a place like that? I guess in his mind its easier living a lie than face the discomfort of change; so much so that he cant even be honest about who he is and what he has.
Again I dont understand it but I live my life in faith not fear which is why as much as I hate the cold I was willing to be with him even in a place like that as cold as it gets because I knew there was something very special between us; again or so I thought, but then again I would hate to think he was THAT good of an actor.
So thats what I did on my summer vacation folks... I just wish the ending were different. I do wish him all the best life can offer him. I just wish it turned out differently...I really believe we complimented each other well and could have lived a great life in Florida out of the cold he hated so much and eventually in with a man (me) who could have loved him a great deal..........sigh!!

Without Breaking

2007-07-29T19:55:00.000-07:00

I just read this fable that was posted on a gay.com profile. IT was taken from one of Aesop's Fables and its EXACTLY how I am feeling today...
"THE SCORPION AND THE FROG"
. ************************ Once upon a time there was a scorpion who wanted to get across the lake. One day he came upon a frog. He asked the frog if it would be willing to swim across the lake while the scorpion rode on its back. The frog replied, "I'm sorry Scorpion, I can't do that, because you'll sting me and we'll both drown." The scorpion replied, "I give you my word; I promise not to sting you. I just want to get across this lake. Besides, it would be stupid to do that!" So the kind hearted frog trusted the scorpion. The scorpion crawled on his back and the frog began to swim. When they got half way across the lake the scorpion stung him viciously in the back. The frog, now mortally wounded, cried out, "Why did you do that? Don't you realize that now we are both going to die!" The scorpion responded, "Yes I know, but I could not help it... IT'S IN MY NATURE" **************************************

I often get accused of being VERY negative; other times VERY self absorbed. What I have learned in 53+ yrs is that everyone is going to have some kind of opinion about something or everything about who you are even though the majority of the guys who give their opinion about you dont really know who you are..
MY writings here are only when I feel that need to speak of something that bothers me. The VAST majority of the time I am feeling GREAT. I have never in all my time on this earth have EVER had a bout of depression. I have never taken a pill to fix this or that or to make something work or NOT work. I have some incredible men in my life who I value deeply. I know what love is and what it ISNT. I know how awesome intimacy feels when you are so totally in love with another man that you cant see or think straight (no pun intended). I have no problem in dating a guy and working toward something permanent. The problem is finding someone to who you connect, click and feel chemistry with AND who can be ADULT enough to admit he feels the same way and WANTS to work WITH you toward developing a relationship.. THERES the problem. I cant seem to find that man (so far). I live my life in faith though and I truly feel that when the time is right he will show up without hesitation because he will be able to meet me and be as ready as I am...and if it doesent happen I intend having a great rest of the ride while I am here on this earth.
It sometimes gets VERY frustrating when I connect with someone and the feeling is mutual between us and when "they" use the 4 letter word (love) they freak and back away AFTER they realize what "they" have said to me. I get told that 4 letter word more often that I would like, but I am smart enough to know its NOT genuine love but infatuation and chemistry. The odd thing is THEY ALWAYS tell me they love be FIRST. Believe me I am not being a pompous ass here because it sounds like I am being a smart ass and that everyone wants me. On the contrary, if that were the case I wouldnt be single. I just dont believe in using that word recklessly and I know the difference between infatuation and sexual attraction to genuine love. As a result I know I dont chase guys away because I want it ALL yesterday or that I am pushing for an instant relationship. You cant get a teaspoon of it and mix it with water and get that. I firmly believe in dating and taking time to get to know someone over a period of time. That credo has saved me from making alot of mistakes..Granted, its kept me single for quite a long while but I dont want to go through any more bullshit with men who dont know WHO they are and what they want, so I tend to be the voice of reason not recklessness. I dont want to move in with you after a month or six. Talk to me a year from now about how I feel about you and AFTER I get to know WHO you are, if I can say that I love you then yeah we're gonna move in together because you're the one...Now GETTING to that point..a totally different story..
Back to the fable...
When I read that fable it profoundly hit me on how gay men are...they promise you, tell you, and proclaim to you but you get out on the lake swimming along with them, they end up stinging you and the result is you both end up drowning.
Yeah Yeah there I go being negative...but being realistic doesnt mean negative, but isnt it amazing how realism and negativity go hand in hand? I wonder what that actually infers or implies about our culture........and it doesnt mean that there arent wonderful, loving, passionate men...I just havent met him yet...or maybe I have and it will just take time for me to recognise that. I actually feel very optomistic because I DO live my life in faith, never hope. Hope is for a point in the future and since no one is promised that I choose to live my life in faith, which is in the present. Fear is NEVER an option.

Out of The Blue...

2007-07-16T21:16:00.000-07:00

OK guys.. This one shook me to the very foundation of who I am. I get a phone call Monday before last from a buddy of mine down here. Known him a long time.. Leather boy in his early 40's. I figured it was to tell me of a good property on the market. Just 2 months ago we went to look at a distressed house sale. Good neighborhood, bad house with need of major repairs. I waited a week to call back because I simply kept forgetting. When I got to him, I find out that he has advanced lymphoma.. large cell (whatever that means) IT didn't shake me that he had cancer. What shook me to the very core of my soul and being was that he got himself infected with HIV only TWO years ago. The doctors give him a 50/50 chance of survival..and I don't mean in the next five years I MEAN NOW...
Well I was VERY upset for about 4 days until things subsided within me. I prayed and meditated and calmed myself down. WHY? Because it took me back to the mid 80s when guys were dropping like flies from HIV. When the meds came out there was a promise of hope that they could at least live 15, 20 or 25 years and then this nuclear bomb gets dropped.
So today I had a date with a guy I met on line. We met at a local coffee house. Well here's the deal. ME and this guy connected BIG TIME. His blue eyes sparkled and his smile just lit up his entire face and the gray in his thick goatee was a big turn on for me. Thankfully he felt the same way bout me.
There I am having a GREAT time with him and who should I see out of the corner of my eye but my buddy who's ill. MY heart sank and fell out of my chest. I almost began to cry right in the middle of my date. The guy noticing this asked me why the color drained from my face and what was wrong. I told him the story and trying not to put a damper on the great time we were having. I had to excuse myself and go outside to see him. I hugged him firmly but not tight. I again almost lost it but I said a fast prayer to forget about what I was feeling and to focus on him. He smiled and we hugged again. He had lost a good 35 pounds and was VERY thin.
The sparkle was there in his face and his eyes. The guy I always knew was in there and I focused in on the love I have always had for him. I love him but hate his disease. I was ok now.
We spoke for quite awhile and I held his hand and told him I loved him and that I am there and will BE there whatever he needs me for; whenever he needs me and however he needs me. I told him if he needs me at 4AM to call and I will come over.
He explained to me that he is going to get 4 rounds of chemo. I wanted him to go back to his family for support and help because as he told me he is going to continue to get sicker from the chemo. He will get much worse before he gets better. The doctors already gave him the first round. He lost all his head hair. Next round the rest of the hair on his entire body goes, aside form the cramps in the stomach, vomiting, pain and all the other wonderful things that happen when you take poison to try to get rid of the cancer..
I wondered what the freakin crap happened to those 15 20 or 25 years? I don't get it. Yeah he smoked alot and drank and he also did some meth but Hell DAMN...THIS FAST???????? I thought it was 2007 NOT 1984 ... IT really frightened me. Are the meds not working anymore?
Is it a strong strain of HIV? Could the smoking have done this or the drinking? The meth? Combo of all?
I think what bothers me the most...He's alone...Parents who are old cant take care of him and he's not all THAT close with his siblings..and they have their own families; so this man has VERY little to help him...
I'm upset that because his energies were never on finding someone to fall in love with that now as a result hes going to be on his own...
I don't think he has EVER had a long term relationship like 5 or 10 yrs and that to me is more of a tragedy than the diseases he is now facing along with his mortality at 42.
It's unfortunate that gay men will go a thousand miles for sex, take drugs to fit in and let go so the sex is more intense but they wont bother going an inch for love and intimacy. They always find an excuse even when there is none to push it away. I believe that's the reason why I am single. I can get all the sex I want. I get hit on several times a day even at 53 but if you even mention dating you think I said I had leprosy. As for the L word (love) lets NOT even go into that. Guys will say that TO you then tell you they never did OR that they loved you but weren't "IN love" with you although they actually TOLD you they were..it makes themselves feel better for running away. They ease their guilt by making themselves believe that they NEVER said that when they did and by doing so lets them off the hook and thats just bullshit.
I call that approach being a coward because they cant fess up to their own words and actions because they are SO frightened of that word and the commitment involved..
I don't know where my friend fits in to that equation but I can tell you he's one HOT HOT man so I am sure the offers were there but he was too busy focused on running away.
The prospects of having to watch this AGAIN is not anything I am looking forward to. Hes 11 years younger than me but I WILL be there for him..Regardless of what he did or didn't do, hes my friend.
On a better note, the guy I had the date with? We are having dinner tomorrow evening at a local restaurant and on Saturday night we are going dancing.. :)

To Be Left Outside Alone...

2007-06-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

Gay Pride 2007 is over. IT must have been 100 degrees in the sun. I got to the venue booth where we set up at 8:30AM while it was still reasonably cool. I was with one of my good friends so we were on a new adventure and it turned out to be a lot of fun.
I was bothered by the fact that in the last 24 hours I found out two more guys I know are infected with both HIV and Hepatitus C. The odd thing is that they weren't infected at the same time..two different sexual experiences with two different illnesses. I can go into my rantings of I just don't get it but I wont. IT serves no purpose for if they understood they wouldn't have gotten it. Theres not much I can do other than to protect myself.
Today was a big learning experience for me. I felt that I really didn't belong to any of what was going on. The attention was focused to the guys on steroids as it always is. The rest of us were thrown to the back of the bus. I pictured in my head all the steroid boys on a city bus who got preferential treatment and then the rest of us who were told to go to the back because we were *different*. Sounds like 1950's in the south, huh?
As a leatherman from way back, I learned things alot differently then they are today. I am not saying it was better then. It WAS better for me but other than that I cant say its better then or now. Its just VERY different now; as is everything and thats the way it should be. I just don't fit in and I don't think I want to fit in and then again on some level I think I DO want to fit in. Its a back and forth struggle. I think on some level we all want to fit in someplace, somewhere with someone.
I find often that I am left outside alone and everyone sits in the front of that damn bus but me. I have my small group of leather friends (family) but I think they all feel the same way I do to some degree.
Pride has always stirred up mixed feelings for me. Each year I learn something more about myself from it so I guess in that regard its a good thing. I hope that I never stop learning. It teaches me how to deal with life better because life itself is constantly changing and to some degree I have to adapt and change also. Thirty years ago there were no cell phones no home computers and no DVD's. IF I didn't adapt I would still be living like its 1977 and life is so much easier with these benefits. Yes there are big pitfalls but hopefully we can overcome those also. Either that or thanks to Global Warming, most of South Florida where I live will be part of the Gulf and Atlantic Ocean.
In the earlier years of gay pride there was a REAL sense of community. The ALMIGHTY dollar DIDN'T rule and wasn't a factor in getting anything done. IT was enormously more grass roots which often produced better results than spending a ton of money. I feel that spending a ton of money on something shows the sponsors that people are willing to give a ton of money so they have more benefits to get more money; and so on and so on... Theres no reason to reach a goal when theres more money to be made and the promoters walk out laughing.
I also remember going to a leather bar where you HAD to wear leather, like a dress code. Now you can wear flowered shirts, flip flops and bermuda shorts and you get criticized if you wear leather. IT makes no sense but its the common practice now and you know why? The owners of the bar don't want to lose a dime from anyone. Theres TV screens in this one specific bar and this one will say," Welcome to the ------, now GO get a f**kin drink. Its ALL about the dollar. So these gay men who own the establishment don't give a crap about community even though they call it a leather bar..its not. Even though they make money hand over fist they are greedy and want ALL that they can get and steel from their own community which is getting to be a real pain in the ass for me to deal with. Thats changed alot from 30 yrs ago. The sense of community even at the gay pride events is all about how much money we can get from those who attend the events. You NEVER see an establishment of ANY kind offer ANYTHING for free anymore. I remember going to The Saint in NYC. You paid your admission BUT then you got all the free fruit and bottled water you wanted. When I tell that to the younger guys they look at me in amazement. "You mean they gave you free fruit and water all night long?" The greed in our own community makes me sick to my stomach because theres no sense of giving ANYTHING back to the community who gives to their establishments all year long. One place took the fountains out of the dance club because they didn't want to lose the money from bottled water even though they charged a hefty admission just to walk in the door and you didn't even get a free drink.
It's pathetic that the worst enemy of the community isn't from outside but from with in. We have met the enemy and it is US.

SEXUAL

2007-03-20T22:39:00.000-07:00

That word seems to be the gay anthem of life and the very existance of what and who we are as men. Little regard exists for anything other than getting off. I had this guy on line give me as his first line " how hung, you top and wanna fuck?" Thats all he said. I go to check him out and the jerk has a lover. I simply wrote him back that I didnt understand how you could give your heart to someone then give your ass to everyone else. Of course I got no response back. He moved on.
I just dont get it. Guys dont date anymore. They get laid and get off in any way they can. The big misnomer is the open relationship bullshit. I think thats a term made up by fags who have a lover and then get to act like they're single when they get tired of having sex with the guy THEY chose as their lover. Now heres the REALLY fucked up part. They go on line as I do (I am single) and they get all the ass they want from other men both single and partnered and *I* get passed up because I want more than a quick fuck. Most of them arent capable of wanting or giving anything other than their ass for an hour or two. I truly believe that their way is easier but it isnt better. Not in the long run. In the short term they get off but thats all they get..OFF !! By the same token that doesnt leave me with much hope now does it? AS I get older I will have less and less opportunity to find someone because as we ALL know youth wins out. The physical beauty of a guy will far surpass substance. Again at least in the short term but what the hell. Even if they make a mistake they have many years in front of them to find someone. I dont have that option or luxury anymore and I doubt that other than my memories I will have little to look forward to. IF you look at all the single old gay men who go to the wrinkle rooms and bars for dinner and the like, it bears me out to be right. MOST of my generation of gay men died long ago from AIDS in that first and second wave which hit the gay community hard and without any mercy. Sometimes I wish I had gone with them because the present prospects for the last 25 or 35 years of my life SUCK!! I have already made peace with the fact that I will be single for whatever time I have left on this earth; not of friends but of a special man to share my remaining time with. Lets face facts. Intimacy and monogamy are indeed Gay curse words. ITs not that I have little faith in myself. Thats not the issue. I have little faith in gay men and no one has yet to prove me wrong. No one wants to date and the guys that do, live 1/2 way across the country and guys dont move just to date. You either live local or you dont and most men who have lives and jobs cant just pick up stakes and start over at 40, 45 or 50. ITs just not feasible so when you look at all these factors it doesnt look good for men like me who are in my situation.
It gets very frustrating for me especially when I see guy in so called long term relationships, married to their men, partnered or whatever other term they use and they are hitting on EVERYONE to get laid while the lover is at work, out of town or they are out of town. To me its simply VILE and disgusting. Here I am and I cant even get a date. Being a leatherman just complicates everything. Bottoms are easy to find but boys.. I wont even go there. I CAN get laid every night of the week or even several times a day. I can go on line and get someone ot come over in less than 15 minutes but ask for a date and they click me off. I cant even get them to meet me on the outside before I ask them to come back for a fuck. They want to come right over and get right down to it. PERIOD!! Booty call wont work for me anyone. You want THAT kind of sex then be willing to pay me for it. I keep busy with my friends and projects to fill up my time and I learn things to occupy my interests and my mind. If thats what my life is to be for whats left of it then so be it. I am doing the best I can..Thats all I can do..

Union OF The Snake...

2007-03-09T21:20:00.000-08:00

Since I last entered in here, nothing much has happened; well other than getting rid of my house in NYC and getting a new series of inkwork on my right arm up to my shoulder and around to my back. I saw my ex at a local dance place and it was rewarding to see how time HASNT been good to him. They say the best revenge is living well.
I am getting real tired of online ANYTHING these days. I get guys who want to go out with me who live in Kuala Lampur, Indonesia, Istanbul Turkey, Lima Peru among many other places. I dont get it. I have no intention of sending a plane ticket to a total stranger. Most of them dont even show a pic or if they do its a body part, if you get the drift. No face just a body part..LOSERS.
Then there are the guys who live in the same state as you..in fact I had this one guy who lived literally across the street..less than 50 feet and it took him 6 months to meet me. THEN he vanished for another YEAR then all of a sudden he wanted to get together. I told him to GET LOST, actually I told him to F*CK OFF..
Then I met this other guy who I hit it off with from the West Coast of Fla. WE had a great time. He spent a weekend with me and I really enjoyed getting to know more about him. He had planned to visit me for Xmas then 4 days before his trip he cancelled out and he just stopped bothering with me. TO THIS DAY I still dont know why or what happened. HE never even bothered to explain ANYTHING to me.
Then you get the guys who pull the carrot out in front of you the way you try to get a horse to do what you want. You put the carrot in front of the horse's face just far enough so you get the horse to go where you want. When the horse responds you pull the carrot away. In other words, you get the guys who say all the right stuff and do all the right moves and they give you some time but when you respond and you begin to move toward them they back away but if you back away too much they then move BACK toward you to suck you back in. You go thru this push pull thing and they KNOW the game they are playing. Thankfully I am smart enough to see it FAST. I end up shoving the carrot in them where the sun dont shine, pull it out then force them to eat it.
Then there are the guys in open relationships who want you as booty call. Jesus Christ I am 53 years old!! BOOTY CALL?? MAN I think I am worth more than that. I dont understand the point of being IN a relationship and then screwing around with everyone else as if you are single..Whats the point? Again I dont get it.
Then you have the total OPPOSITE extreme. The guys who want INSTANT relationship. Add 2 dates and yer ready for move in condition. They are in love with the idea of being in love but you cant love someone you dont take the time to get to know. I have run into that 7 different times with men who wanted to be totally involved after 1 week or after one weekend or after 1 night..again I dont get this one at all....
I really feel that I will be single for the rest of my life. Every time I felt that there was hope with a guy I met, the rug wasnt pulled out from under me it was YANKED out.
Heres the REALLY F*cked up part. When I meet someone and I treat them like shit, they follow me around like sick puppy dogs but when I treat them with interest and attention, they run away. The meaner I am TO them the more they come after me...I dont get it.
Yeah I am staying single.. I'll get laid on my terms but am not investing any of my time in anyone. ITs just not worth it...and its not worth my energy. The way I was raised as a leatherboy doesnt exist anymore. What I want doesnt exist anymore. Its all a BIG free for all game that I dont want to play. I understand that there will always be change but not all change is for the better..IT is what it is..and as for me I dont like at all the WAY it is..I guess I just cant accept the fact that theres NO ONE out there who feels remotely as I do. HOWEVER, nothing out there that I have seen in these past 3 years has even remotely come close to proving I am wrong.

Shivers......

2007-01-25T12:47:00.000-08:00

So the holidays are gone and I am now 53. My birthday was yesterday. That alone sends shivers through me. I am acutely aware of my limited time here and if I live another 30 or 40 years I would truly be blessed and privileged; as long as the quality of my life to be productive and constantly expanding is still there and I am cognisant and aware.
MY project for this year is to not only learn but MASTER Sign Language. When I attended Mid Atlantic Leather in Washington DC several weeks back it was the deaf leather folk who stole my heart. I have never met more sincere and genuine people in my life. They reminded me of the men who reared me when I was a young boy into leather. I needed to connect and be with them and I am learning fast so that I will be able to hang with them and communicate. That excites me VERY much.
MY life has taken some dramatic but positive turns in the past year. Been downsizing my life and holdings because I dont want to spend my time taking care of multiple households. I downsized 3 into 1 and I am VERY happy about that. I want to simplify my life so as to give me the time and space to go and do what I want; ie, like learning American sign Language for starters and doing MUCH more travel this coming year.
The folly and stupidity of youth is that you dont realize how fast time is passing until you notice the hair going grey or the fat coming on your belly or the wrinkles and lines on your face. When you hit 30 you should begin to think about where you are going. So many gay men dont bother doing that because they are too concerned about who is looking at them, the next circuit party and the next drug they can take or the next steroid cycle. The fact that by the very nature of what they are doing to themselves will actually age them faster is of little consequence because they dont think that far ahead until of course they look like death warmed over in the microwave. Yeah its not a pretty picture but it does give me a measure of satisfaction to see that I am in much better shape than guys 20 yrs younger than me which tells you ALOT about THAT culture..
At this stage of my life I want to learn , to grow and to experience the things I feel I havent yet done. I also want to teach what I have learned and seen. I fear that because these kids havent seen the horror of HIV they wont understand the catastrophie it was until they begin to watch their friends die, but then again with the epidemic of Hepatitis C and meth, they will get their chance to see their own version of hell.
I am where I want to be and doing what I want to be doing.

WIth Arms Wide Open

2006-12-04T23:33:00.000-08:00

I thought of this song by Creed in deciding to write this post. ITs a late night here in South FLorida and life has been good. Thanksgiving was GREAT which was a far cry from last year. MY life is BACK to the way it was before the shit hit the fan with the ex, although I will NEVER understand why he put me through his garbage and drama.
It was a great Monday. Good workout, shopping, just a great day. I went out with one of my good close friends. We hung out and chatted and laughed our tails off. Right before I was to meet my buddy, I was on line and was chattin with a guy I have always liked and enjoyed both in and out of bed. We have been getting together for over 2 years now, ever since I became single. He asked to come over and I said I had made previous plans but I told him I would be home by 11PM and he said he would come by. Well he just left and I was a bit overwhelmed. We watched a REALLY shlocky Grade B mystery. When I saw him pulling off his clothes to watch the movie in my bedroom I did the same. There we were, in our manhood and naked. We lied down and put on the DVD and held each other for the entire movie. Toward the end of the movie, he picked his head off my hairy chest and told me that he had some news that would freak me out. I told him that VERY little freaks me out anymore. He then disclosed that as of several months ago he is now HIV positive. At first I didnt know how to ask anything because I was a bit shocked. After about 45 sec I asked several questions..Yes he had unprotected sex. He does NO drugs of ANY kind. This I know for a fact. The one question..WHY did he do this? He replied that he really didnt care anymore. On one hand I didnt understand but on the other I did..It bothered me that I understood. That it made sense. I am so freakin tired of it myself that if I found out I was hiv poz, it wouldnt bother me anymore. He said it didnt bother him one bit. He was afraid that it would bother me which is why he said the news would freak me out..but it didnt because on some level I understand..and you know what..THAT SUCKS. It sucks that I have gotten to the point that when someone gets infected that its not a big deal to me..THATS what SUCKS..W are all just SO freakin tired of this and with the phenomenal amounts of money that the drug companies are hauling in theres NO impetus to find a cure. Same with cancer and heart disease. You cure it you put the companies AND their investors OUT of business. I am frustrated and tired of it all. I guess with World AIDS day (Dec 1) just having been finished I hear this 3 days later and THAT stinks. I guess it IS what it IS....

Spirit in my Life

2006-11-23T03:12:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving morning. Hard to think that the year is slipping away into history. Everything that I am is because of what came before. The pain and sorrow of my friends who died of AIDS, the guys who have been in my life and my very upbringing; ALL of it determined who I am now. I often think of the words from one of my favorite shows that the old woman said. Even when you have a reason to get up in the morning, sometimes life can turn around and spit in your face. I think the secret is to turn right around and spit right back at life. I prefer playing in traffic than standing on the sidelines.
I have a great deal to be thankful for. As much as I didnt have the best parents in the world, I had to make the best of what I was given but I CAN choose who I wish to treat like and call family and THAT IS within my power. I have a rule on holidays. NO ONE that I know will EVER be alone for them. I was often by myself because mother didnt want ANYONE in her house for holidays because she didnt like to clean up after them and she always blamed my father for never lifting a finger and having her do all the prep work which I still dont get it but it was what it was. Here I am single and I GLADLY do all the work, cooking and cleaning and I ENJOY having a full house, but then again I do that all year long for those I call family. I pretty much believe in the open door policy. I ALWAYS have people drop by all year long and I really enjoy it. I guess after being alone for much of the earlier part of my life I now enjoy the choices that I make rather than having to live by ANYONE else's rules. ITs MY home, MY RULES.
I am privileged to know alot of great people and I am constantly expanding my circle. I figure that by the time I am 60 I will need an auditorium to throw a good party with all the people I want to come and if thats what it takes so no one is left out..then SO BE IT.
I have my health. I have GREAT men in my life. I have a wonderful home. The MOST important of these is that I am finding PEACE. Without peace you have NOTHING. IF you dont have peace in your spirit you cannot move onward in your life. IF you dont have peace you cannot truly love anyone. If you dont have peace you cannot go to bed every night with a clear mind and spirit. Peace is something that happens TO you when you live your life in accordance with who you are and what you REALLY believe in and NOT settling for less then what your needs desires and wants are. Life can try to get in the way of that but if you remain focused you cannot lose peace once you have found it and know what it is.
I have a long day ahead of me. I am of course opening up the house to my friends, my family actually and I am VERY excited. So many times I am like a boy who is waiting for Santa to arrive. Find the joy in life and be thankful for where you are. You are exactly where you need to be at this very moment in order to learn what you need to learn. Enjoy the journey even if it hurts. It will get better. It always does. Remember that you have the power to MAKE it better if you so choose to. Any choice you make or have made can be undone but its up to YOU to do that. Oh yeah, I am thankful for the pain of growth and to those who hurt me and treated me like shit for it gave me the wisdom to be able to write this today....and to find that peace and joy I now have. HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL !!!

Here Comes the Rain Again....

2006-11-10T19:19:00.000-08:00

I thought of this song by Annie Lennox..This week has been so weird its become laughable. I had friends coming down from Jacksonville today. The guy gets a cold then gets a coughing spell SO bad that he knocked 3 discs out of place on his back and had to go to the ER. He is home now but in alot of pain. I think I am afraid to ask ANYONE to come over because some unforseeable doom will befall them the minute they attempt to get here...
There were *other* things that contributed to this bad week but it would take an entire Danielle Steele novel to type it out all. I just got in from the local bar because I just wanted to chill out. I end up getting hit on by a deaf guy who WOULDNT keep his hands off me and of course because he was deaf he couldnt hear me say ANYTHING to him. I had to remove his hands from my person 7 different times. He carried a notepad and pen so I had to WRITE out TO him to leave me alone, aside from the fact he was 22, was REALLY obnoxious, and didnt want to take NO for an answer. After about 15 minutes of trying to reason with him, I FINALLY made my point and he left. The Magic continues. There were several times that I looked up to heaven and said " you can stop the curse now, I get the message".
I can write an entire chapter about my contractor AND the real estate agent in Brooklyn fixing then selling my house but that was just ANOTHER thing that went wrong aside from the rain they had in NYC this past week and my leader pipe coming down from the roof and instead of the rainwater going into the pipe, something caused the pipe to gush the water OUT of the pipe and into the neighbors cellar while MINE remained dry.
Then theres the apt building that the bathroom floor cracked and was falling. THAT had to be removed, the beams strengthened and a new floor put back with tile, grout, toilet and sink ALL had to be put back. YUP folks the magic continues again and it ALL happened this week...ALL of it.
I just CANT WAIT until tomorrow to see if the universe is going to give me the finger again. I have had enough of the finger thrown at me to last FIVE more freakin lifetimes. I'll keep you posted.

DEEPEST BLUE

2006-11-08T23:13:00.000-08:00

When it rains it sucks and when it pours you drown. I didnt have a very good day for a number of reasons. It would take a chapter but the crux of it is that I DONT want to be a landlord anymore and own property in the city of NY. IF you are a landlord you are guilty and have to prove yourself innocent. I cant wait for my house to sell so I can be DONE with all of the bullshit.
Its on days like this that life REALLY SUCKS and not in a good way. The guy who was coming to visit on Thursday left me an email telling me his father got a massive coronary and died. That sent me on a tailspin. IT reminded me of another guy back in '99 who told me his mother was in a car crash and died the night before he was to get on a plane and visit me. IT turned out his mother had indeed died, FIVE years earlier. He got cold feet and chickened out. Now I gotta be honest, I did go into that "holy crap someone else is doing what this other guy did" for about an hour but I figured that you cannot put every situation as the same. It was human to do so but I know he wasnt the same guy as before, but being human I agonized over it for several hours and got it out of my system. Couple that with how the REST of my day went and you got ONE BAD DAY. I had plans to go out to dinner with some buddies from my gym and had considered cancelling out but I didnt and I am glad that I went because I had a GREAT time..Good food, conversation and company all conspired to make me feel a hell of a lot better. I guess that as my friend Scott ALWAYS tells me, "it AINT all about you Jim", really hit home tonight. I dont know why I am not connecting with anyone local. I get very annoyed that I am ALWAYS being told, and I quote " I cant believe a guy like you is single or why is a guy like you single?" I think if I hear that ONE more f*uckin time, I am gonna spit up!! I'm single because no one wants to do anything more than screw. NO ONE wants to get to know anyone; THATS WHY I AM SINGLE, DAMN IT!! ME being who I am, I cannot and WILL NOT compromise who I am as a leatherman. I CANT and I WONT. I would prefer dying alone that being who I am not! I must be either too old, too this or too that. Too thin, not beefy enough or whatever enough or the best one; I intimidate guys. HOW? I'm breathing? Sometimes I get very angry for where I am at because even though I am supposed to be in this spot I dont freakin like it at all.
My friends can go out and bing bang bong meet someone and end up on a REAL date; I can go out for months and NOTHING. I am the freakin Susan Lucci of leathermen. I keep striking out. Many times I dont get up to bat at all. Then people wonder why I feel that I will be single for the rest of my life? I dont wonder at all anymore. Yeah yeah I get sex but thats not worth the sweat off my nuts. It doesnt mean a thing. ITs been a BAD BAD Day for me. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm OVER it ALL. I always thought that in giving you receive. You reap what you sow.
Well people, it AINT happenin and it hasnt in almost 2 years now and my back hurts from bendin over for others. IF this is some kind of test I am freakin over that BIG TIME. Yeah It was a BAD day...goodnight.

In My Mind...

2006-10-24T08:39:00.000-07:00

I was thinking of Heather Headleys song this morning (see heading of this blog) when I was chatting with this guy on line and after giving him a piece of my mind (and liver), I felt I needed to spit out some crap many gay men I know put forth.
He meets this guy he hasnt seen since High school. The guy happened to have been his coach who by the way was married. They spend ONE weekend together and BANG, INSTANT BOYFRIEND AND RELATIONSHIP. Can anyone tell me how that works because I think I missed that class.
The fact that I am writing again after only 15 hours lets me know I feel very strongly and passionately about this. Why doesnt ANYONE want to date and get to KNOW who they are with before claiming they have a boyfriend?
I tend to think its the instant gratification that gay men FEEL they are entitled to given the fact that they have no responsibilty other than themselves. REady cash, hours and hours at the gym, cruise bars, primping and fluffing up like a rooster in heat ready to put on the next costume to see who they can snag. IT all good though if you know what it means and what yer seeking. HOWEVER, if you want to be someones lover you have to love yourself and RESPECT you for YOU just AS you are. IF you cant even stand up for yourself and explore what you want, how can you EVER be anyones partner, lover, leatherboy, spouse, etc. I dont understand why guys dont want to take time to DATE someone..Dating is the BEST and FUN part of a relationship. YOu still have time to and for yourself and you also have the fun of sharing SOME of your time with a guy you CHOOSE to share that space and time WITH. Why does it have to be that you have a great weekend of sex and then its BANG, instant relationship? I NEVER have understood that.
I know I have saved myself ALOT of grief by sticking to that even though its no guarantee for the future but at least you give yourself a fighting chance for happiness by taking your time. I prefer dating several guys and continue to meet others until I am SURE for myself that this is the guy I am choosing to be with because I feel hes a good match for me and because I REALLY want him, NOT that I need him. BIG BIG DIFFERENCE. Need is something you HAVE to have to survive, like food and water and sleep. Want is a conscious choice I make based on how I relate to that object or person. We all have baggage but I am trying to find a guy whos baggage fits well with mine!! If I can find that before I get too old then I am FORTUNATE indeed.
IF all we REALLY have is love, then why do men keep trying to sabotage themselves? Why do they get involved without taking the time to get to know who they are with? Why do they judge everything on sex? Most importantly, why do they continually choose the wrong person even when they KNOW they are settling AND making a mistake AND in addtiton, the right guy is directly next TO them and will pass him up to pick the WRONG one?? That one just doesnt compute to me, in my mind...........

Moving into Light

2006-10-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

Been thinkin about that song as of late. Reminds me of Bryan, who died of AIDS back in 1993 at the age of 38. I think out of all the guys I loved, HE was the man who took me to places outside of my mind when we were intimate. HE taught me much about having fun, and loving somoene so much that he owuldnt do ANYTHING to put me at ANY possible risk for when we were together it was the late 80's and there was VERY little known about HIV. He was painstaking in making sure he NEVER put me at risk, and he NEVER did.
This then brings me to my next topic. His name is Howard Kaplan and he used to live at 410 Ave X and 386 5th Avenue # 3 and both places are in Brooklyn NY. I havent heard from him in about 10 years and I would give ANYTHING to know where he is. He is 10 or 12 yrs younger then me and at the time I was in my mid 30's and I thought my crap didnt stink and he was a young pup in his 20's. I was his first and in plain English I screwed things up royally. I thought that I was such a big shot and he was some kid that I never took seriously. It sickens me now to look back and think about it because I know better now and I am going to find him to tell him I am sorry and to forgive me. IF any of you out there have ANY ideas on how to find him, let me know. I have tried all the free sites I know of and it seems I will end up paying 30 bucks or more to find out where he is. Howard used to call me foxy ALL the time and in my minds eye I can still see the look in his blue eyes when we talked for hours or all night long. MORE Than anything I just want to tell him I am sorry for being such a jackass toward him. When another one of our friends died of AIDS, Howard just vanished. His then roomate, knew where he was and I would call her up and the bitch never would give me his info and I am not even sure she even told him that his friend died of AIDS so I still am not sure if Howard knows that his friend Michael died back in april 1996. She was this control freak that SHE wanted to be in the loop about him and SHE decided who knew what and who didnt know, so she decided that NONE of his friends were given ANY info on him EXCEPT HER and when you asked if she relayed our messages TO him, she would say yes but then NEVER give us ANY response of what Howard said. I am still so pissed off that if I ever confronted that bitch now I would seriously think about punching her face OUT for what she did. I am GOING to FIND you Cappy. I have always loved you and you need to know that, and to apologise for what a shit I was to you....

The Long & Winding Road

2006-10-01T17:58:00.000-07:00

Summer 2006 has been an adventure..as is most of my life..It seems that what happens to most people gets amplified for some reason for me..Maybe I am too sensitive and I over react, or maybe life enjoys f*cking with me in unique ways...
Case in point...I was walkin in my old Bklyn NY neighborhood up to the ATM at Citibank in Park SLope when I got hit square on the top of my head with an acorn that must have fallen 50 feet because it bounced off my head and shot out 40 feet to the other side of the street. NEEDLESS to say it hurt ALOT. I was with one of my buddypups when I turned to him and said that my father did that (he died in Feb 2000) to which HE turned to me and said that I should keep my eyes open. FIVE minutes later we were sitting on the Brownstone I am renovating when this elderly guy walked by who looked JUST LIKE MY FATHER except that my dad loved eating grapes and this guy was eating an apple. I tried to understand what was being told to me..IT was several days later while I was takin a hot bath after working on my house all day when it came to me. MY father told me that I was trying to hold on to that house as a way to hold on to him. Point being that I didnt want to keep that house other than the fact that it was his..even though we never lived there I wanted to hang on to it..even though I didnt want it and I didnt want to EVER live in NYC again. So, I decided to sell it. I am putting it on the market tomorrow at noon and giving my agent 3 months to sell it. Holding on to an object isnt needed when you have a lifetime of memories inside...the only thing that truly lasts forever is love, NOT an inanimate object that you try to have take on a human life..It doesnt work that way.
This past weekend I went to Baltimore to visit my Friend Paul and his siblings. It was of course another adventure..and a VERY GOOD ONE at that. There are like 8 of them (both parents are gone home to the glory of the ALmighty spirit and universe)
There was EVERY age represented from 2 to 60. It took me back to my own childhood and my fathers side of the family (the good parent). I felt right at home and for the first time in over 20 years I felt like part of a family and damn it I felt wonderful..Hmmm..."keep your eyes open" kept ringing in my head as well as that damn acorn that hit me. I got to meet many of the brothers and sisters AND their children and THEIR kids so it was wall to wall chaos and I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF THAT..I drank up every bit of it and they genuinely enjoyed me...They were all wonderful people...they are promising me a visit to South FLorida this winter and I CANT wait..I LOVED IT and I came back feeling GREAT.
You know, this past weekend was very freeing. IT convinced me that I am again ready to love again because that capacity is very strong within me..Despite, or in spite of EVERYTHING I have been though, and I mean EVERYTHING, I know in my soul that everything will be ok for me...that I am being looked after and guided, even though I sometimes feel VERY much alone.
Even then I KNOW somehow someway it will ALL be ok...I dont know how I know this but I do...I was thinking about all of this driving up from Baltimore. The struggle always leads me to a better place..It has never failed me..NEVER. Moving forward and onward is TRULY the only way ANYONE of us can go because you cannot go back; you can revisit in your mind or memory but you can never go back......
HERES TO MOVING ON..... :)

LUCKY STAR

2006-07-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

ITs been a good month since my last post. I have had time to be at peace and absorb what I saw in Brooklyn and what I have been feeling in dealing with all of this. I know that deep down inside that everything will be alright, even if I dont see it at the moment.
I remember last year at this time how distraught I was; so much so that I wanted to sell my beautiful home so I ran back to NYC to be around familiar things because I had no friends down here in Florida and I felt utterly alone. Barely one year later I am in my home but I feel totally different because I am back to the man I always have been. I meet each day now with excitement and joy. Whether or not I find anyone I know that ultimately I am not alone and I have friends now down here who really do care about me and my well being; even more so than the man who claimed to have loved me. Truth of the matter being he loved what he could get OUT of me.
I understand so much now and it has given me a sense of peace because I can finally wrap myself around all of it and understand..and I have to understand things before I can move onward with my life. Now that I understand I can move on.
I have been meeting some very amazing men actually and some not so amazing men but thats the way life is. My years have now shown me what is amazing and what isnt. I am truly enjoying my life again and my home here in Florida; entertaining and volunteering and joining in life again; be it movies, dancing, dinner parties, BBQ's or simply hanging out with friends. I have made peace with moms situation and again I have been able to understand and wrap myself around the entire thing which granted me the ability to move on. I do think of my father often and that has brought me incredible peace and inner strength. HE was an awesome man, not always the best father but an awesome man and I am proud to be his son. In many ways I have grown from all this. I have learned that you HAVE to go out on a limb because thats where the fruit is and if you dont go you'll STARVE! Yeah I have done so and fallen on my ass but MOST of the time I was able to get the sweetest fruit off the tree and I will continue to do so and NEVER give up. ITs not in my nature to be a loser or a quitter. I am a fighter because I HAD to be and its the only way I know and its the reason why I have managed to do as much as I have done...because I DONT give up. Just call me the gay Rocky Balboa without the thick accent.
I have another good relationship in me because I have the capactiy to love someone and put him first. HOWEVER that doesnt mean I am going to be anyones fool and just give it away to anyone who comes up to me without proving himself to me first, and he is going to have to do ALOT of proving to get me to fall in love again. You know what though, I am DAMN WELL worth it and if I dont find it then so be it but I will never give up hope. I will put myself out there and see whatever the unvierse sends to me. So far nothing but then again since it takes two to make a good relationship, I may be ready but the other guy isnt. So I may just be waiting for HIM to be ready for me. To me thats a VERY exciting concept because I now understand that its NOT all about me. IT becons me to awaken each morning with a smile on my face. I hope that as my life goes on and I grow in more wisdom I can learn to thoroughly enjoy the time I have left and I am going to do whatever it takes to enjoy that time and learn those lessons I need to learn before I close my eyes for the last time. Having a guy there to share the next 25 or 35 years with me would be great too...( I dont intend on dying anytime soon cause I got cheated out of so much from some of the assholes I chose to be with and be fooled by, aside from all the family shit I dealt with). NAMASTE. (to the best within you and the best you can be)

Thunder Only Happens when it Rains.

2006-06-14T18:37:00.000-07:00

Life doesnt seem to give you much of a break. I guess I am sort of getting used to being hit on the head. I went back to NYC to visit mom and deal with some business. I found that she had lost 1/2 her body weight and she looks like she is in the end stages of AIDS. To top off the cake both her sisters are dying also. Pancreatic Cancer and the other in end stage Pernicious anemia . Mom has congestive heart failure. I held her hand and spent quite a bit of time with her. I had very mixed feelings since she was not a good person to anyone and not the best of mothers to me. A part of me felt very sad for her and sad for me since I never got to have so many things with her nor do I have the feelings a son has toward his mother. I have been on my own for such a long time I felt she was already dead until of course, she would do something unbelieveably rotten to me; like wish I died of AIDS or try and get me commited for being gay and that was only for starters. I do hope that the three sisters find the peace they never had in this life with each other or in their personal lives. Its amazing that they all live on the same block and they havent seen each other in years and actively avoided one another.
MY mind then wanders back to my ex who I was with for almost 5 yrs and who drank and did Tina. He told me on so many occassions that I would never have to deal with this alone and that he would be there for me, but I guess in hindsight that if he wasnt there for himself I didnt stand a chance in hell. Still it was and is difficult to have to go through this alone. I am angry, hurt disappointed and disgusted with gay men. Yeah yeah, not ALL gay men are like this, but you know what, they are blanche they are. IF it doesnt directly affect them they dont care BUT they expect YOU to be there for them. With my father dead and my mom not far behind, they will ALL have to go through what I have had to go through ALONE and you know what, if you had to ask me would I be there for ANY ONE of them...HELL NO I wouldnt. I may feel differently in the future but as for right now they can all go to hell.
Gay men dont have much sense of family. The next piece of ass is as close as the next mouse click away on the next sex/chat site. I have been single for a year and a half now and I have not had ANY serious prospects; while my ex on the other hand has gone through FOUR men and HE was the one who told me he wanted to be alone for at least a year. Truth being he took in a convicted drug dealer into his new apt who he was dating while he was still living with me. HE moved out got a new apt and took the guy IN with him even though he *claimed* to want to be single. In thinking about all the men in my life he was the biggest loser. He extorted money from me and took things out of MY house that didnt belong to him because he felt entitled to them even though he didnt work for a damn thing. In fact he had no job.
I think all of this got dredged up when I went back to NY and saw mom in the condition she was in. It just made me think of all the lies he puked out of his mouth and this is a man who proclaims to be a Buddhist.. LOL.
I am trying to find some peace within me for everything I went through with mom and some of the jackoffs I chose to be with. Its going to take some time to push through this but you know something, I will get through this and I am not so willing to jump into anything with anyone anymore. I prefer to be left to my own devices for I have leanred to enjoy myself and my own company. The next guy who get me, if there even IS a next guy, will have to prove himself to be who he SAYS and claims to be. I am not taking ANYTHING on face value anymore.

Crystal Blue Persuasion

2006-04-02T18:08:00.000-07:00

The one word that comes to mind when I think of Crystal meth is INSIDIOUS. Living here in Ft Lauderdale I have come to truly understand the seriousness of this drug but for the life of me I dont comprehend WHY ANYONE would KNOWINGLY take that crap into their system. I have been single now for well over a year and I have yet to meet ANYONE who didnt use it either now or in their past and to be honest, I have given up hope of meeting anyone down here who has HIS head screwed on right.
Dont get me wrong, I am NO saint, not by a long shot but I surely dont to waste the time I have on this earth getting high then coming down then getting high then coming down over a drug that does nothing other than kill off your brain cells all in the name of *having a good time*, which by that term doesn't make any sense to me because you are so f*ucked up that you dont know if you actually had a good time or not.
I know at least 10 men who got themselves infected with HIV because they were flying on Crystal meth (commonly known as TINA, which was coined after the name CHRISTINA). Doing TINA while having HIV is IGNORANT. Doing TINA and NOT having HIV is IGNORANT. Doing TINA is IGNORANT. If any of these jerks would simply read the info on methamphetamies I doubt they would feel the same way about getting high and having a good time. The long term effects alone scared the living shit out of me. At 52 I am already getting to within spitting distance of St Peter and I have no intentions of getting closer to him any sooner than I have to.
Guys who are either on TINA or have done it, *Yell* at me NEVER to go near it or get tempted to try it. I assured them that I had no intentions of putting poison into my system no more than I would smoke the 3000+ chemicals in cigarettes and throw THEM into my lungs.
Theres this one guy I met last year, I will call him Ivan (not his real name). He had to actually MOVE OUT of Ft Lauderdale because he couldnt stop doing it so what he does is that he lives and works someplace else in the state and when ever he wants to go on a TINA spree for the weekend he comes down, parties, gets laid, then goes back away from here. He was recently infected while on a binge. Another guy I know, who lived in FT Lauderdale, moved to North Carolina, literally into the woods to get out of here and is also HIV +. MY friends who died from AIDS when there was nothing that could be done for it literally BEGGED for their lives and died while these assholes who were HIV negative actually got themselves infected because the drug takes away any inhibitions you have and the sex was unprotected. To top it ALL off, many of them ARE indeed HIV positive and they do this shit, expecting a pill to fix everything as long as they are able to do that crap either not realising or not caring that they are screwing up whats left of their immune system by taxing it with drugs in conjunction WITH their HIV disease. Lets not even get into the question of taking your meds on time to aviod drug resistance because HIV is constantly mutating and if yer tweaking for days you are likely not taking your meds!! I was told quite awhile ago that when you are *tweaking* (high on Tina) you cant get an erection so you end up being the receiver during intercourse. However I was recently told by a guy who parties that theres a solution for that....you can still get it up if you take a Viagra. Well wasnt that special!! You can tweak, fly high then take another drug to fix what the FIRST drug did TO you when you want to have intercourse with another guy. Its one BIG pharmacy.
So where does that leave a guy like me in his early 50's who doesnt DO that shit and who CANT seem to find ANYONE who doesnt use it or is in recovery from it? Who the hell knows! I'm not usre that I care anymore either.

In Your Eyes...the light the heat...

2006-01-09T08:31:00.000-08:00

I know that whenever January rolls around, its the beginning of a new year for the earth and for me personally. My birthday comes exactly one month after Christmas Eve (Jan 24). I do alot of contemplating and soul searching. I went out last night down here in warm South FLorida to listen to the old music that the Jackhammer plays from the 70's and 80's. I went out alone and I came home alone which is the way I want it. Am not much into the *tricking* thing since I dont like having a total stranger in my house OR in my bed.
I got my proverbial bottle of water and went toward the dance floor and danced alone. I often get asked how a guy like me could be single. Very simple. I havent found a guy with a good soul who knows how to love anyone other than himself and his own needs. I was asked home by 5 different men last evening which actually insults me rather than compliments me because none of them asked about anything other than what a nice ass I have and how hot I looked. Yeah thats insulting.... How about some conversation other than sex? You know, like I have a PH.D, I am a successful business man, lost over 40 friends to AIDS, I was a male escort in my earlier days which put me through school to GET my degrees, my travels, life in general? I guess thats asking too much huh? Because I am in a bar I shouldnt expect anything other than BS? I dont buy into that. You could say the same thing about going to the gym, or a gay pride event or for that matter ANY event with gay men in it because as everyone knows gay men have no OTHER interest than screwing around with other men as much as possible. Well I DONT BUY THAT....The way I am out there, there ARE others who feel the same way I do. I just havent met them...maybe I never will....
Well, getting back to the dance floor. It felt very crowded. Not because of the other guys on the dance floor but because I felt all my friends who have died were RIGHT there with me. IT was both weird and comforting at the same time. I actually felt them around me. For a minute or two the tears began streaming down my face until I realized that I cant just cry on a dance floor but I did and I wallowed in it for those few minutes.
I didnt feel sad though but exhilerated that they were there with me and for a moment in time I had them all back. All the men I escorted with, the guys who became my friends, the guys I flagdanced with at the Saint in NYC and hung out with at Studio 54, Alex in Wonderland, Tracks, Mineshaft, Anvil; the guys who grew into gaydom with me..for that brief moment in time we were all together and I became awash in that spirit of joy which overwhelmed me (and NO I DONT do drugs of ANY kind so I wasnt high).
I have forgiven the powers that guide us all for taking them away from me. I forgave my mother for beating me and physically abusing me and my father for being ineffectual and emotionally unavailable. Yeah Yeah I did the years of therapy, and ended up with that PH.D in Child Psych...and I have always tried my damndest to help others who went through what I did.
I guess the best way to help is to be an example and I have always said...living well is the BEST revenge to ANY thing. MY family is dead; most of them in the physical sense and a few in the figurative sense for there are just some truly evil people and even from them I learned something VERY important..how NOT to be! Since I have no siblings I can never be a brother in law or uncle but it still gives me the opportunity to have family that *I* can choose. I had quite a big laundry bag of dirty clothes and it took years to throw out all the baggage I had others throw on my back but I got through it and here I am...
So where am I at now? I am single but never desperate. I have a big heart and an enormous capacity to love and I learned that actually from my last relationship of almost 5 yrs. I NEVER EVER would have thought that I would (or could) feel that much or so strongly for another man. That was actually such a big shock for me because of the depth and strength of my feelings. After all the pain and agony of not having him there anymore, it taught me abotu what I am made of in ways I have never known before. I now look forward with excitment to whatever the universe has in store for my but I want to spend the remainder of my life enjoying each and every day and if the stars align themselves just right, maybe one day I can fall head over heels for the last guy who will ever be in my bed....

The New Years Baby Burped.....

2006-01-06T00:05:00.000-08:00

Another year is here and I dont know what it has in store for me but one thing is for sure. Last year SUCKED and not in a good way. I couldnt WAIT for it to be OVER. I grieved over a lost 5 years of my life in a relationship with a guy who traded me in for drugs and sex with a dealer. Needless to say he doesnt even live here in the county anymore and they broke up after a couple months and he lost everything. I guess karma works the way it works.
I am finding out that men have one interest and it lies between their legs and baby its the wrong head. I am almost 52 and I get away with alot of things simply because I am in shape and dont look like a dried up prune. Most people take me for late 30s early 40s so you can only imagine the things I get away with simply because of my physical attibutes which have nothing to do with who I am on the inside. I grow tired of being hit on for sex with nothing more other than getting off. I never imagined that I would be this age and utterly alone...yeah yeah I have friends but I dont do the friends with benefits thing and I wake up alone and my days are alone and many of my nights..Once in awhile I find someone to share my bed and I always come to find they wanted nothing more than what they got that first night.
Men in my opinion are a bunch of fools. They want to be your friend AFTER they have you in bed. IF yer good then yer worth knowing and if not they dump you like the trash thats put out in the can for the next mornings pickup. As for a date? WHATS THAT?? YOU mean like going out to dinner without having sex? You gotta be kidding or asking for TOO much. After all if I cant get it from you I will just go back on the internet and pick up someone else who will give me what I want so who the hell needs you huh...Yup thats the way it is now.
It doesnt give me much to look forward to huh? Yeah I have given up on finding someone. I would rather spend whats left of my life taking care of me and enjoying my friendships. I dont have the fortitude to deal with the bullshit, drama, issues, ego, jealousies, insecurities, self hatred and addictions to sex booze and recreational drugs any more. ITs so much easier and cleaner to fool around then dump em out before breakfast so you dont owe them ANYTHING. It seems all the websites talk about are get on, get in, get off. Thats alot easier to deal with which is why all these gay pay sites do so well....MOST gay men have enough baggage to fill a Samsonite warehouse.
DO I have baggage...OH HELL YEAH...but I dont take it out on anyone else for what I went through growing up and how I was raised by two parents who were VERY screwed up. What was done to me as a child was not of my choosing but who I am as a MAN was what I chose and I cant blame everything that goes wrong in my life on them..I grew up and accepted the responsibility of my own actions and behavior; and hating myself is not an option. I tured out to be a really good guy with a big heart. Loving someone is never a mistake and many times its nothing you can control but how you love them and how it affects YOU as a person IS something you CAN control and deal with. I have come to find out that love isnt enough. I am single and happy; not desperate. I see alot of men around me so desperate that they KNOWINGLY date drug addicts, alcoholics and criminals just NOT to be alone. They will be anything, do anything and say anything just not to be alone and to say they are dating someone. Pretty sick huh?
Then theres the subject of open relationships where the two partners are *doing* everyone BUT the guy they are claiming to be their partner and in love with. Again, better a bad relationship than NO relationship. I get the "it works for us" thing many times but when you listen to them you see how god forsaken dysfunctional they really are and I dont screw with married guys..if yer not happy with who you are with, yer not using me to get what you DONT get at home..BUZZ OFF... Thats pretty much the world I am in... am ready to get off that ride..its making me nauseous. Then there are the guys who have been hurt and they tell you they are hurt but they go out with you anyway even though YOU end up being the shrink on the date because all they talk about is how awful their lives are and HOW much they have been wronged..FUN DATE HUH; NOT !!!! YOU sure as hell know that you dont stand a chance with them...the walls are too thick n deep...they bitch about being alone and even if a nice guy is RIGHT in FRONT of them...they dont see it...they focus on a guy who doesnt want them or on someone who has treated them like dirt... Go figure... Yeah welcome to faggotry.... I dont paint a pretty picture but I am sure many guys will read this and understand....
AND YET, through it all I am looking forward to whatever the universe sends my way because I live each day of life as best I can and with all I have seen and experienced I know the signs of when to RUN away..usually after 30 minutes... but at least I know when to run ....

The Day the Music Died

2005-09-05T11:40:00.000-07:00

Its taken me six months to write about this. IT hurt so badly that I didnt even want to think let alone write about my feelings on it. The guy I loved for almost five years with all my soul left me. For the first month I was a zombie and if it werent for my good friend Dan who got me busy around the house I dont know what would have happened to me. My way back up the road was much more diffciult than I could have ever imagined because I had such strong feelings for him. So here I am at 51 and single...YET AGAIN. I thought this was forever but I guess I was wrong. I realize now that I didnt fail him or myself. It wasnt the fact that he was fooling around with a convicted drug dealer who thought he was a tough guy and it wasnt that he didnt love me. What really hit me in the head with a sledgehammer was the fact that he felt entitled to have financial benefits from MY earnings. He listened to his "new friends" who had two attorneys ready to take me to court and the almost five years WE had together meant absolutely nothing. I didnt have much of a choice but to give him what he demanded or get put out on the street. When I purchased my home (and the watch word is I PURCHASED), I added his name to the deed out of the goodness of my heart, that I loved him and that if anything happened to me the house would have gone to him. In hindsight, a will with "in trust for" would have done the same thing. I dont understand why they were ready to rake me over the coals when it was HIS decision to leave and although HE left the relationship it was HE who wanted money. Funny thing was, I had planned to give him double of what he actually took from me so I guess in the long run he was the one who got royally screwed over. I had planned to get a home equity mortgage for HIM but he was so nasty about what HE demanded and what he felt was HIS, that I gave him what he requested but by doing so he screwed himself over by listening to his friends. He signed the house back over to me. MY guess is that whatever was left of his conscience bothered him because even after I gave him what he wanted he wasnt signing the house back over. I had to go chase him several times. I bet that his friends were likely telling him to try and get more. I also find it amusing that he considers himself a Buddhist. In looking back at it now I find the entire thing laughable. I believe that from the day I bought that house he knew exactly what he was doing, because he insisted that his name be added to the deed. When you really love someone you dont give a rats ass whos name is where because you know that you are going to be with this person forever and that a name can be added on at any time in the future. The fact that he was SO insistant that his name go on makes me now understand he had no intention of remaining with me because it was soon after that that the relationship fell apart. IT also makes even more sense since when he lost his job he never bothered looking for another one. He had it all planned out. Pure evil huh?
I grieved for the man that I met and fell in love with, but the guy he is now killed that man I met. Drugs will tend to do that....
So here I am at 51 and back on the dating scene. I have picked myself back up off the ground and used alot of energy to try and heal myself. My friends both old and new have been remarkable. When this all went down I think half of the northeast came down to my house to support me. Even HIS friends constantly called and visited me. In hindsight I learned ALOT about him and his past. I think had I known now what I wish I had known then, I wouldnt have even bothered with him at all. The addictive personality was there, the problems were there, but I didnt know a thing. I wish his friends had told me then what they told me now. I would have run in the other direction.
I am doing fine now. I am able to enjoy meeting new guys and dating. I am willing to take a chance; to be open to all the possibilities. There are good guys out there and all I need to do is live my life and one will eventually cross my path.

RIDE LIKE THE WIND

2005-01-24T15:30:00.000-08:00

It often comes to my mind..Ride Like the Wind by Christopher Cross. Theres a line in that song that often rings in my heart. "Never was the kind to do as I was told, gonna ride like the wind before I get old". I dont think I will be old for another 30 years at least. Today I am 51 and there are times I get scared;not often, but I do. Been on my own a VERY long time, worked hard and I owe NOTHING to anyone because as my parents always told me, you get the things you need; whatever you "want", you go do it on your own. I DID. I'm Here, I DID IT. Most people who knew me then are all dead from AIDS barring a few friends who knew me when I had nothing and are thankfully still sharing adventures with me. Yeah I mean YOU, Tom and Mark and of course my hetero buddy John M. who I know bout 35 years. The perception is that I do nothing but sit on my ass, order people to work for me and sit back and collect money from my properties. Money and property just fell out of the sky at my feet and I didnt have to put in any effort.
One takes stock of himself every so often and I do that at this time every year because I'm a year closer to leaving this planet, or as some Baptists say (and I love the term) going home to glory. I am ashamed that I havent done enough to give back and sometimes I feel I have accomplished nothing. When ever I do something to help someone I truly feel blessed and privileged to be able to do something to make their life better. I cant even tell you how fulfilled that makes me feel inside to make a difference. I will have no children to pass anything onto BUT I hope to be immortal through my actions. I forget the exact line but one is immortal when his thoughts, feelings and abilities live on after him and how he has touched others who have been profoundly affected by him; therefore he lives on. Thats the best one can hope for. After watching so many buddies die I have grown accustomed to death and as my uncle whos 83 says, " I dont mind dying its just being away for so long".
My partner has a friend who lives out west. His name is thorne and except for the piercings and his non conformist way of dressing I see myself as being a version of him; a bit watered down but I am OUT there.
I still put some blue color in my hair...its beginning to look good with the hints of gray. OK, punk rock guy, disco bunny, plague survivor, leather man, child shrink, real estate owner. Madonna has nothing on me in reinventing herself. Yeah, am gonna ride like the wind; UNTIL , (NOT BEFORE,) I get old....

A Long Nights Journey into Garbage...

2004-10-30T01:39:00.000-07:00

I just got in from a local bar down here and lemme tell you. It's enough to make one WANT to be straight. There was this guy about 60 or 65 who had a hardhat on with a cut off shirt and a jockstrap with the rolls of fat hanging over the waist. I thought to myself what was he thinking, but I dont believe he was thinking otherwise he wouldnt have looked or dressed like such a jackass. To top it all off he was really staggering all over the place and of course found his way right next to me. If I didnt enjoy my dinner so much I think I would have barfed on him just to get him to GO!
The dance floor had a crowd of 3 and the music was actually good. It seems that as we get older there are less guys that go out. I guess the age of the internet has kept men on chat rooms looking for a quick hook up. You can get off without ever having to go out until you find the right guy you wanna screw with. Forget about finding PLATONIC (now thats a VERY rare term used these days) friends at a bar..theres always an undercurrent. I had one guy tell me, and I quote "whats in it for me". That about covers EVERYTHING wouldnt you say?
Then you get the guys who LOVE and ENJOY breaking up couples by coming on to one of them in front of the other. I have always been of the opinion that the only guy who can break up the relationship are the guys *IN* the relationship. No one can come between you unless YOU in the relationship permit that!! Unfortunately many guys DO permit that because its new meat, the hunt, the chase, and then the conquering. Yeah, and the guy usually has a good body, is on steroids and charming. After its over the sad sot wants to go back to the now ex lover begging for forgiveness. The REALLY sad part is that history, if we dont learn from it the first go around, usually ends up repeating itself. Once a cheater always a cheater and men hold that championship title.
The process repeats itself until one of the partners gets disgusted enough to NOT go back. At 50 I dont have that kind of time to waste anymore on a jerkoff who would do that to me. I prefer being alone to having to deal with all the drama and bullshit. I happen to like my company regardlesss of how anyone else feels. Then there are the fat men who look like they not only have their own zip and area codes but if you get too close their gravitational field will pull you right in. We're talking planets here folks. I believe in live and let live but dont get pissed off at me because I am not responding to your advances and I dont want to have anything sexual to do with you. I'll be cordial but keep yer hands to yourself man. If I want more you wont have to touch me. You'll know it long before your hands ever touch my body. So after awhile I left and here I am at home. Yeah I was out with my man and yeah it happens anyway even when guys perceive us as a couple. It doesnt matter to alot of men out there. They are in it to get off and everyone is fair game.

Whats That about?

2004-10-29T20:42:00.000-07:00

Seems that when you are in a relationship for the long term be it gay or straight there are certain things that happen. A. You age. B. You grow comfortable with the other person to a fault. C. One partner wants to have outside friends to go out with and not always necessarily include YOU in their plans with the new friend.
This poses several problems. A. You feel left out. B. The partner that goes out is having a good time and YOU are left at home. C. If you say anything TO him you are perceived as being jealous. D. If YOU decide to go out and make friends, then your other half will feel you are trying to get back at him for it and end up going out even more.
The question then becomes what CAN you do? A. Live your life walking on eggshells trying to act as if nothing is happening and resenting him for leaving you alone. B. Pretend NOTHING is happening and stay at home. C. Live your life for yourself and realize you aren't joined at the hip and go make your own friends.
I guess that you have no control over anything else or anyone else. IF the guy knowingly asks out one partner to the movies because he has only ONE extra ticket and knowingly leaves out the other one..and that person invited doesnt see anything wrong with leaving his partner at home, then the partner whos left at home needs to go out and get his own friends; not to get even but to find a life for himself outside the relationship. One has to cover his own ass and not become a victim of circumstance. One cannot be made to feel victimized unless one relinquishes THAT power to someone else. Relationships come and go but you are the only one who has to look at yourself in the mirror every day and not only deal with what you see, BUT be happy with who you are and how you choose to deal WITH and live life...

Growling on queue

2004-10-20T00:15:00.000-07:00

Everytime I think I have heard it all, life throws me something new to learn. I tend sometimes to open my mouth up way too much and it often comes back to bite my ass. It seems gay men dont UNDERSTAND the concept of friendship unless you go to bed with them first...sex first THEN we discuss friendship which is REALLY all ass backwards. You can meet a guy, either on line, in a bar or in a store and even though the motives are seemingly innocent, 90% of the time it's pure as NYC snow after 24 hours. I wont even go into the sex itself part. That is a novel not a post...but I digress and thats another blog on here at another point. What makes matters worse is when one of the partners HAS cheated behind the others back then goes out to make friends..ITs only natural for the other one to feel inscure since he ALREADY has BREECHED a trust and its difficult at best to get past that. You play a cat n mouse walking on broken glass type of communication since you dont really have a sense of how sharp the glass is until you step on it. Why is it that I can indeed have a totally platonic relationship geared toward a delveloping friendship and other gay men cannot?
Just because I find someone attractive doesnt mean its IMPERATIVE for me to sleep with them. You cannot pick every flower in the field. Too much candy makes you SICK and it makes ME sick to see all the bullshit, drama and undercurrents when two guys meet up. Maybe thats why I cannot seem to develop any new friends. Am I altrusitic ALL the time, of course not; however MOST of the time thats all I seek and I cant find it...ANYPLACE!! You know what...IT SUCKS!!

A half Century of Nonsense

2004-10-18T10:45:00.000-07:00

Here I am, past 50 and on this blog thing. Having lived more than half my life expectancy, I find it distasteful being a gay man; a leatherman, and one who gets himself into alot of trouble by throwing AT people a piece of his mind rather than just giving it TO them. Granted I keep it shut when I am not asked for advice but I get really pissed off when someone ASKS me for honest advice then gets angry at me when I dont provide them with bullshit or lip service. It seems that gay men when they ask you for your opinion are the first to get ticked off when you tell them how you really feel. I have never understood why this is and I have been out a VERY long time (since I was 16) which would mean I am a year younger than the gay pride movement. I think through it all I have learned that most people dont want to know whats REALLY going down because that would mean that they would have to fess up to their own bullshit and that at 50, wisdome means I know how to ask the questions better but Im not sure I am any closer to answers. As I navigate my way on here and learn more about the blogs I will be adding new features and accessories..and as a gay man I KNOW how to accessorize..I also know how to build and construct and get my hands dirty. Does that mean I am half Lesbian too? I own a jeep wrangler and I dont have any cats or dogs but I do have a manboy in my life of 4 + years and live in a house in Wilton Manors Fla. where we enjoy life, each other and do the best we can. Am hoping I can cause alot of trouble on here too because thats just Who I am. No apologies, NO REGRETS...later.

2004-10-18T08:28:00.000-07:00

OCT 2004