Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Thunder Only Happens when it Rains.

Life doesnt seem to give you much of a break. I guess I am sort of getting used to being hit on the head. I went back to NYC to visit mom and deal with some business. I found that she had lost 1/2 her body weight and she looks like she is in the end stages of AIDS. To top off the cake both her sisters are dying also. Pancreatic Cancer and the other in end stage Pernicious anemia . Mom has congestive heart failure. I held her hand and spent quite a bit of time with her. I had very mixed feelings since she was not a good person to anyone and not the best of mothers to me. A part of me felt very sad for her and sad for me since I never got to have so many things with her nor do I have the feelings a son has toward his mother. I have been on my own for such a long time I felt she was already dead until of course, she would do something unbelieveably rotten to me; like wish I died of AIDS or try and get me commited for being gay and that was only for starters. I do hope that the three sisters find the peace they never had in this life with each other or in their personal lives. Its amazing that they all live on the same block and they havent seen each other in years and actively avoided one another.
MY mind then wanders back to my ex who I was with for almost 5 yrs and who drank and did Tina. He told me on so many occassions that I would never have to deal with this alone and that he would be there for me, but I guess in hindsight that if he wasnt there for himself I didnt stand a chance in hell. Still it was and is difficult to have to go through this alone. I am angry, hurt disappointed and disgusted with gay men. Yeah yeah, not ALL gay men are like this, but you know what, they are blanche they are. IF it doesnt directly affect them they dont care BUT they expect YOU to be there for them. With my father dead and my mom not far behind, they will ALL have to go through what I have had to go through ALONE and you know what, if you had to ask me would I be there for ANY ONE of them...HELL NO I wouldnt. I may feel differently in the future but as for right now they can all go to hell.
Gay men dont have much sense of family. The next piece of ass is as close as the next mouse click away on the next sex/chat site. I have been single for a year and a half now and I have not had ANY serious prospects; while my ex on the other hand has gone through FOUR men and HE was the one who told me he wanted to be alone for at least a year. Truth being he took in a convicted drug dealer into his new apt who he was dating while he was still living with me. HE moved out got a new apt and took the guy IN with him even though he *claimed* to want to be single. In thinking about all the men in my life he was the biggest loser. He extorted money from me and took things out of MY house that didnt belong to him because he felt entitled to them even though he didnt work for a damn thing. In fact he had no job.
I think all of this got dredged up when I went back to NY and saw mom in the condition she was in. It just made me think of all the lies he puked out of his mouth and this is a man who proclaims to be a Buddhist.. LOL.
I am trying to find some peace within me for everything I went through with mom and some of the jackoffs I chose to be with. Its going to take some time to push through this but you know something, I will get through this and I am not so willing to jump into anything with anyone anymore. I prefer to be left to my own devices for I have leanred to enjoy myself and my own company. The next guy who get me, if there even IS a next guy, will have to prove himself to be who he SAYS and claims to be. I am not taking ANYTHING on face value anymore.


At 7:21 PM, Blogger kdot said...

Your humanity towards your mom is a testiment to your own goodness. I'll say a prayer for you tonight and wish for you to have the strength to face those who have let you down in life yet who reach out to you in their hour of need. It may not mean much to you right now, but the sun will rise tomorrow and you will have another chance to be happy. I hope it's a beautiful sunrise and you are inspired by it.

k. (my unsolicited $.02)

At 11:25 PM, Blogger crescent said...

after every rain the world is refreshed and new... and there is a rainbow if the sun is shining to give us hope and color after all that gray.


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