Monday, July 16, 2007

Out of The Blue...

OK guys.. This one shook me to the very foundation of who I am. I get a phone call Monday before last from a buddy of mine down here. Known him a long time.. Leather boy in his early 40's. I figured it was to tell me of a good property on the market. Just 2 months ago we went to look at a distressed house sale. Good neighborhood, bad house with need of major repairs. I waited a week to call back because I simply kept forgetting. When I got to him, I find out that he has advanced lymphoma.. large cell (whatever that means) IT didn't shake me that he had cancer. What shook me to the very core of my soul and being was that he got himself infected with HIV only TWO years ago. The doctors give him a 50/50 chance of survival..and I don't mean in the next five years I MEAN NOW...
Well I was VERY upset for about 4 days until things subsided within me. I prayed and meditated and calmed myself down. WHY? Because it took me back to the mid 80s when guys were dropping like flies from HIV. When the meds came out there was a promise of hope that they could at least live 15, 20 or 25 years and then this nuclear bomb gets dropped.
So today I had a date with a guy I met on line. We met at a local coffee house. Well here's the deal. ME and this guy connected BIG TIME. His blue eyes sparkled and his smile just lit up his entire face and the gray in his thick goatee was a big turn on for me. Thankfully he felt the same way bout me.
There I am having a GREAT time with him and who should I see out of the corner of my eye but my buddy who's ill. MY heart sank and fell out of my chest. I almost began to cry right in the middle of my date. The guy noticing this asked me why the color drained from my face and what was wrong. I told him the story and trying not to put a damper on the great time we were having. I had to excuse myself and go outside to see him. I hugged him firmly but not tight. I again almost lost it but I said a fast prayer to forget about what I was feeling and to focus on him. He smiled and we hugged again. He had lost a good 35 pounds and was VERY thin.
The sparkle was there in his face and his eyes. The guy I always knew was in there and I focused in on the love I have always had for him. I love him but hate his disease. I was ok now.
We spoke for quite awhile and I held his hand and told him I loved him and that I am there and will BE there whatever he needs me for; whenever he needs me and however he needs me. I told him if he needs me at 4AM to call and I will come over.
He explained to me that he is going to get 4 rounds of chemo. I wanted him to go back to his family for support and help because as he told me he is going to continue to get sicker from the chemo. He will get much worse before he gets better. The doctors already gave him the first round. He lost all his head hair. Next round the rest of the hair on his entire body goes, aside form the cramps in the stomach, vomiting, pain and all the other wonderful things that happen when you take poison to try to get rid of the cancer..
I wondered what the freakin crap happened to those 15 20 or 25 years? I don't get it. Yeah he smoked alot and drank and he also did some meth but Hell DAMN...THIS FAST???????? I thought it was 2007 NOT 1984 ... IT really frightened me. Are the meds not working anymore?
Is it a strong strain of HIV? Could the smoking have done this or the drinking? The meth? Combo of all?
I think what bothers me the most...He's alone...Parents who are old cant take care of him and he's not all THAT close with his siblings..and they have their own families; so this man has VERY little to help him...
I'm upset that because his energies were never on finding someone to fall in love with that now as a result hes going to be on his own...
I don't think he has EVER had a long term relationship like 5 or 10 yrs and that to me is more of a tragedy than the diseases he is now facing along with his mortality at 42.
It's unfortunate that gay men will go a thousand miles for sex, take drugs to fit in and let go so the sex is more intense but they wont bother going an inch for love and intimacy. They always find an excuse even when there is none to push it away. I believe that's the reason why I am single. I can get all the sex I want. I get hit on several times a day even at 53 but if you even mention dating you think I said I had leprosy. As for the L word (love) lets NOT even go into that. Guys will say that TO you then tell you they never did OR that they loved you but weren't "IN love" with you although they actually TOLD you they makes themselves feel better for running away. They ease their guilt by making themselves believe that they NEVER said that when they did and by doing so lets them off the hook and thats just bullshit.
I call that approach being a coward because they cant fess up to their own words and actions because they are SO frightened of that word and the commitment involved..
I don't know where my friend fits in to that equation but I can tell you he's one HOT HOT man so I am sure the offers were there but he was too busy focused on running away.
The prospects of having to watch this AGAIN is not anything I am looking forward to. Hes 11 years younger than me but I WILL be there for him..Regardless of what he did or didn't do, hes my friend.
On a better note, the guy I had the date with? We are having dinner tomorrow evening at a local restaurant and on Saturday night we are going dancing.. :)


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