Thursday, November 23, 2006

Spirit in my Life

Thanksgiving morning. Hard to think that the year is slipping away into history. Everything that I am is because of what came before. The pain and sorrow of my friends who died of AIDS, the guys who have been in my life and my very upbringing; ALL of it determined who I am now. I often think of the words from one of my favorite shows that the old woman said. Even when you have a reason to get up in the morning, sometimes life can turn around and spit in your face. I think the secret is to turn right around and spit right back at life. I prefer playing in traffic than standing on the sidelines.
I have a great deal to be thankful for. As much as I didnt have the best parents in the world, I had to make the best of what I was given but I CAN choose who I wish to treat like and call family and THAT IS within my power. I have a rule on holidays. NO ONE that I know will EVER be alone for them. I was often by myself because mother didnt want ANYONE in her house for holidays because she didnt like to clean up after them and she always blamed my father for never lifting a finger and having her do all the prep work which I still dont get it but it was what it was. Here I am single and I GLADLY do all the work, cooking and cleaning and I ENJOY having a full house, but then again I do that all year long for those I call family. I pretty much believe in the open door policy. I ALWAYS have people drop by all year long and I really enjoy it. I guess after being alone for much of the earlier part of my life I now enjoy the choices that I make rather than having to live by ANYONE else's rules. ITs MY home, MY RULES.
I am privileged to know alot of great people and I am constantly expanding my circle. I figure that by the time I am 60 I will need an auditorium to throw a good party with all the people I want to come and if thats what it takes so no one is left out..then SO BE IT.
I have my health. I have GREAT men in my life. I have a wonderful home. The MOST important of these is that I am finding PEACE. Without peace you have NOTHING. IF you dont have peace in your spirit you cannot move onward in your life. IF you dont have peace you cannot truly love anyone. If you dont have peace you cannot go to bed every night with a clear mind and spirit. Peace is something that happens TO you when you live your life in accordance with who you are and what you REALLY believe in and NOT settling for less then what your needs desires and wants are. Life can try to get in the way of that but if you remain focused you cannot lose peace once you have found it and know what it is.
I have a long day ahead of me. I am of course opening up the house to my friends, my family actually and I am VERY excited. So many times I am like a boy who is waiting for Santa to arrive. Find the joy in life and be thankful for where you are. You are exactly where you need to be at this very moment in order to learn what you need to learn. Enjoy the journey even if it hurts. It will get better. It always does. Remember that you have the power to MAKE it better if you so choose to. Any choice you make or have made can be undone but its up to YOU to do that. Oh yeah, I am thankful for the pain of growth and to those who hurt me and treated me like shit for it gave me the wisdom to be able to write this today....and to find that peace and joy I now have. HAPPY THANKSGIVING ALL !!!


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