DEEPEST BLUE

When it rains it sucks and when it pours you drown. I didnt have a very good day for a number of reasons. It would take a chapter but the crux of it is that I DONT want to be a landlord anymore and own property in the city of NY. IF you are a landlord you are guilty and have to prove yourself innocent. I cant wait for my house to sell so I can be DONE with all of the bullshit.
Its on days like this that life REALLY SUCKS and not in a good way. The guy who was coming to visit on Thursday left me an email telling me his father got a massive coronary and died. That sent me on a tailspin. IT reminded me of another guy back in '99 who told me his mother was in a car crash and died the night before he was to get on a plane and visit me. IT turned out his mother had indeed died, FIVE years earlier. He got cold feet and chickened out. Now I gotta be honest, I did go into that "holy crap someone else is doing what this other guy did" for about an hour but I figured that you cannot put every situation as the same. It was human to do so but I know he wasnt the same guy as before, but being human I agonized over it for several hours and got it out of my system. Couple that with how the REST of my day went and you got ONE BAD DAY. I had plans to go out to dinner with some buddies from my gym and had considered cancelling out but I didnt and I am glad that I went because I had a GREAT time..Good food, conversation and company all conspired to make me feel a hell of a lot better. I guess that as my friend Scott ALWAYS tells me, "it AINT all about you Jim", really hit home tonight. I dont know why I am not connecting with anyone local. I get very annoyed that I am ALWAYS being told, and I quote " I cant believe a guy like you is single or why is a guy like you single?" I think if I hear that ONE more f*uckin time, I am gonna spit up!! I'm single because no one wants to do anything more than screw. NO ONE wants to get to know anyone; THATS WHY I AM SINGLE, DAMN IT!! ME being who I am, I cannot and WILL NOT compromise who I am as a leatherman. I CANT and I WONT. I would prefer dying alone that being who I am not! I must be either too old, too this or too that. Too thin, not beefy enough or whatever enough or the best one; I intimidate guys. HOW? I'm breathing? Sometimes I get very angry for where I am at because even though I am supposed to be in this spot I dont freakin like it at all.
My friends can go out and bing bang bong meet someone and end up on a REAL date; I can go out for months and NOTHING. I am the freakin Susan Lucci of leathermen. I keep striking out. Many times I dont get up to bat at all. Then people wonder why I feel that I will be single for the rest of my life? I dont wonder at all anymore. Yeah yeah I get sex but thats not worth the sweat off my nuts. It doesnt mean a thing. ITs been a BAD BAD Day for me. I'm angry. I'm tired. I'm OVER it ALL. I always thought that in giving you receive. You reap what you sow.
Well people, it AINT happenin and it hasnt in almost 2 years now and my back hurts from bendin over for others. IF this is some kind of test I am freakin over that BIG TIME. Yeah It was a BAD day...goodnight.