Sunday, July 29, 2007

Without Breaking

I just read this fable that was posted on a profile. IT was taken from one of Aesop's Fables and its EXACTLY how I am feeling today...
. ************************ Once upon a time there was a scorpion who wanted to get across the lake. One day he came upon a frog. He asked the frog if it would be willing to swim across the lake while the scorpion rode on its back. The frog replied, "I'm sorry Scorpion, I can't do that, because you'll sting me and we'll both drown." The scorpion replied, "I give you my word; I promise not to sting you. I just want to get across this lake. Besides, it would be stupid to do that!" So the kind hearted frog trusted the scorpion. The scorpion crawled on his back and the frog began to swim. When they got half way across the lake the scorpion stung him viciously in the back. The frog, now mortally wounded, cried out, "Why did you do that? Don't you realize that now we are both going to die!" The scorpion responded, "Yes I know, but I could not help it... IT'S IN MY NATURE" **************************************

I often get accused of being VERY negative; other times VERY self absorbed. What I have learned in 53+ yrs is that everyone is going to have some kind of opinion about something or everything about who you are even though the majority of the guys who give their opinion about you dont really know who you are..
MY writings here are only when I feel that need to speak of something that bothers me. The VAST majority of the time I am feeling GREAT. I have never in all my time on this earth have EVER had a bout of depression. I have never taken a pill to fix this or that or to make something work or NOT work. I have some incredible men in my life who I value deeply. I know what love is and what it ISNT. I know how awesome intimacy feels when you are so totally in love with another man that you cant see or think straight (no pun intended). I have no problem in dating a guy and working toward something permanent. The problem is finding someone to who you connect, click and feel chemistry with AND who can be ADULT enough to admit he feels the same way and WANTS to work WITH you toward developing a relationship.. THERES the problem. I cant seem to find that man (so far). I live my life in faith though and I truly feel that when the time is right he will show up without hesitation because he will be able to meet me and be as ready as I am...and if it doesent happen I intend having a great rest of the ride while I am here on this earth.
It sometimes gets VERY frustrating when I connect with someone and the feeling is mutual between us and when "they" use the 4 letter word (love) they freak and back away AFTER they realize what "they" have said to me. I get told that 4 letter word more often that I would like, but I am smart enough to know its NOT genuine love but infatuation and chemistry. The odd thing is THEY ALWAYS tell me they love be FIRST. Believe me I am not being a pompous ass here because it sounds like I am being a smart ass and that everyone wants me. On the contrary, if that were the case I wouldnt be single. I just dont believe in using that word recklessly and I know the difference between infatuation and sexual attraction to genuine love. As a result I know I dont chase guys away because I want it ALL yesterday or that I am pushing for an instant relationship. You cant get a teaspoon of it and mix it with water and get that. I firmly believe in dating and taking time to get to know someone over a period of time. That credo has saved me from making alot of mistakes..Granted, its kept me single for quite a long while but I dont want to go through any more bullshit with men who dont know WHO they are and what they want, so I tend to be the voice of reason not recklessness. I dont want to move in with you after a month or six. Talk to me a year from now about how I feel about you and AFTER I get to know WHO you are, if I can say that I love you then yeah we're gonna move in together because you're the one...Now GETTING to that point..a totally different story..
Back to the fable...
When I read that fable it profoundly hit me on how gay men are...they promise you, tell you, and proclaim to you but you get out on the lake swimming along with them, they end up stinging you and the result is you both end up drowning.
Yeah Yeah there I go being negative...but being realistic doesnt mean negative, but isnt it amazing how realism and negativity go hand in hand? I wonder what that actually infers or implies about our culture........and it doesnt mean that there arent wonderful, loving, passionate men...I just havent met him yet...or maybe I have and it will just take time for me to recognise that. I actually feel very optomistic because I DO live my life in faith, never hope. Hope is for a point in the future and since no one is promised that I choose to live my life in faith, which is in the present. Fear is NEVER an option.


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