Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Whispering your Name

ITs taken me several months to think about what I am typing here. In the almost 3 yrs of being single I met someone from the midwest and its supposed to be a happy ending when you and he feel the same way, but then again when one of the guys involved gets cold feet and FREAKS OUT, its neither happy or the right ending.
We met on Tax day April 15th. I knew when I looked at him there was something I saw in his eyes I didnt see in anyone else. I always assumed he felt the same because when we clicked eye to eye it was amazing. After picking him up at the airport we got into my kitchen and locked lips for several hours just standing up. That wasnt really the best thing though. In the 3 months I saw him we were intimate only 3 times. I enjoyed his company so much that sex wasnt really a priority. Being with him was. HE was really my priority. I again thought he felt the same. One night he must have been staring at me. Well, he woke me up and told me he was in love with me which became the first of many times. It went so far as he told me and I quote him, " I was THE ONE". It didnt scare me but I did think it was a bit fast but I thought, heck the man is in his 40's and has been around the block as we all have been so maybe he does actually feel what he has been consistently telling me.
HE visited me in FT Lauderdale twice. He even went to an office where he could actually have been transferred to FLorida and his base was a mile from my house. He went there and put in his intentions. I didnt expect it to happen in 6 months but I knew it was moving in the right direction even if it took a year or two. It didnt matter to me because I just wanted to be with him.
I went up to see him in the midwest in May for a week and again it was great. HE left clothes in my house and I left some of mine in his. In June his parents came to visit him for two weeks. The plan was that I would come up after they left and I would have stayed with him for a month.
As much as I hate the cold I would have been willing to stay with him up there and go back n forth to FLorida until the time was right in his mind for him to want to leave the frigid north.
Well, I never bothered him while his folks were there but as time went on and they left he just backed off. Up till this day I dont understand it other than the extremely destructive family he had and his dad was ill and he was dealing with issues. Instead of accepting my support he pushed me away. In his last letter to me he claimed he NEVER said he was in love with me and began this idiotic explanation about what he meant by saying I was THE ONE. He tried to wiggle his way out of EVERYTHING he did and said to rationalize his wanting out of something that was good. IF you could have seen the look on his face when he looked at me you'd understand better. I know that he couldnt look at me and tell me the things he wrote to me in that email because had he looked at me he could have NEVER said what he did. The only thing about him is that he couldnt lie; not when he was looking DIRECTLY into my eyes; so, he took the cowards way out and wrote an email.
IT hurt me more than I actually thought it would and has taken me several months to get over it and him. I do still think of him and I can say I miss him on occasion. I guess when something is left unfinished its worse than a bad break up which has a conclusion...I wonder if I EVER cross his mind or if he EVER feels he made a mistake. OK I know that I will never really get any answers to that but there IS one ANSWER I do have..
Even with what I have gone through, what I have seen, and done, I can STILL love and have a GREAT capacity for it. That actually made me feel GREAT and each night when I put head to pillow it makes me smile. I was actually beginning to *feel* love for him. Anyone who knows me knows how I hate the cold but I would have been willing to stay WITH him up there just to be WITH him. I guess when you feel strongly for someone you do what you have to, to be WITH them. Unfortunately as much as I thought he felt the same, he didnt or maybe he did and got chicken shit scared. I'd like to believe that was the case or he was a damn good actor..
Odd thing is, he HATES the cold also but change frightens him so much he would rather stay in a place he hates than face the unknown entity of change. HE lives in a toally straight area of the burbs and he hangs out with all his married neighbors but none of them knows about his HIV.
He likes them so much but is scared they will not bother with him anymore because of it; so why would you live in a place like that? I guess in his mind its easier living a lie than face the discomfort of change; so much so that he cant even be honest about who he is and what he has.
Again I dont understand it but I live my life in faith not fear which is why as much as I hate the cold I was willing to be with him even in a place like that as cold as it gets because I knew there was something very special between us; again or so I thought, but then again I would hate to think he was THAT good of an actor.
So thats what I did on my summer vacation folks... I just wish the ending were different. I do wish him all the best life can offer him. I just wish it turned out differently...I really believe we complimented each other well and could have lived a great life in Florida out of the cold he hated so much and eventually in with a man (me) who could have loved him a great deal..........sigh!!


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