Sunday, July 09, 2006


ITs been a good month since my last post. I have had time to be at peace and absorb what I saw in Brooklyn and what I have been feeling in dealing with all of this. I know that deep down inside that everything will be alright, even if I dont see it at the moment.
I remember last year at this time how distraught I was; so much so that I wanted to sell my beautiful home so I ran back to NYC to be around familiar things because I had no friends down here in Florida and I felt utterly alone. Barely one year later I am in my home but I feel totally different because I am back to the man I always have been. I meet each day now with excitement and joy. Whether or not I find anyone I know that ultimately I am not alone and I have friends now down here who really do care about me and my well being; even more so than the man who claimed to have loved me. Truth of the matter being he loved what he could get OUT of me.
I understand so much now and it has given me a sense of peace because I can finally wrap myself around all of it and understand..and I have to understand things before I can move onward with my life. Now that I understand I can move on.
I have been meeting some very amazing men actually and some not so amazing men but thats the way life is. My years have now shown me what is amazing and what isnt. I am truly enjoying my life again and my home here in Florida; entertaining and volunteering and joining in life again; be it movies, dancing, dinner parties, BBQ's or simply hanging out with friends. I have made peace with moms situation and again I have been able to understand and wrap myself around the entire thing which granted me the ability to move on. I do think of my father often and that has brought me incredible peace and inner strength. HE was an awesome man, not always the best father but an awesome man and I am proud to be his son. In many ways I have grown from all this. I have learned that you HAVE to go out on a limb because thats where the fruit is and if you dont go you'll STARVE! Yeah I have done so and fallen on my ass but MOST of the time I was able to get the sweetest fruit off the tree and I will continue to do so and NEVER give up. ITs not in my nature to be a loser or a quitter. I am a fighter because I HAD to be and its the only way I know and its the reason why I have managed to do as much as I have done...because I DONT give up. Just call me the gay Rocky Balboa without the thick accent.
I have another good relationship in me because I have the capactiy to love someone and put him first. HOWEVER that doesnt mean I am going to be anyones fool and just give it away to anyone who comes up to me without proving himself to me first, and he is going to have to do ALOT of proving to get me to fall in love again. You know what though, I am DAMN WELL worth it and if I dont find it then so be it but I will never give up hope. I will put myself out there and see whatever the unvierse sends to me. So far nothing but then again since it takes two to make a good relationship, I may be ready but the other guy isnt. So I may just be waiting for HIM to be ready for me. To me thats a VERY exciting concept because I now understand that its NOT all about me. IT becons me to awaken each morning with a smile on my face. I hope that as my life goes on and I grow in more wisdom I can learn to thoroughly enjoy the time I have left and I am going to do whatever it takes to enjoy that time and learn those lessons I need to learn before I close my eyes for the last time. Having a guy there to share the next 25 or 35 years with me would be great too...( I dont intend on dying anytime soon cause I got cheated out of so much from some of the assholes I chose to be with and be fooled by, aside from all the family shit I dealt with). NAMASTE. (to the best within you and the best you can be)


At 11:01 PM, Blogger crescent said...

The man who wrote this has a beautiful heart and soul... and is open to the universe that offers miracles, and a man like this will surely see many amazing events with such a spirit filled with hope and wonder. Bless you Sir


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