Sunday, October 01, 2006

The Long & Winding Road

Summer 2006 has been an is most of my life..It seems that what happens to most people gets amplified for some reason for me..Maybe I am too sensitive and I over react, or maybe life enjoys f*cking with me in unique ways...
Case in point...I was walkin in my old Bklyn NY neighborhood up to the ATM at Citibank in Park SLope when I got hit square on the top of my head with an acorn that must have fallen 50 feet because it bounced off my head and shot out 40 feet to the other side of the street. NEEDLESS to say it hurt ALOT. I was with one of my buddypups when I turned to him and said that my father did that (he died in Feb 2000) to which HE turned to me and said that I should keep my eyes open. FIVE minutes later we were sitting on the Brownstone I am renovating when this elderly guy walked by who looked JUST LIKE MY FATHER except that my dad loved eating grapes and this guy was eating an apple. I tried to understand what was being told to me..IT was several days later while I was takin a hot bath after working on my house all day when it came to me. MY father told me that I was trying to hold on to that house as a way to hold on to him. Point being that I didnt want to keep that house other than the fact that it was his..even though we never lived there I wanted to hang on to it..even though I didnt want it and I didnt want to EVER live in NYC again. So, I decided to sell it. I am putting it on the market tomorrow at noon and giving my agent 3 months to sell it. Holding on to an object isnt needed when you have a lifetime of memories inside...the only thing that truly lasts forever is love, NOT an inanimate object that you try to have take on a human life..It doesnt work that way.
This past weekend I went to Baltimore to visit my Friend Paul and his siblings. It was of course another adventure..and a VERY GOOD ONE at that. There are like 8 of them (both parents are gone home to the glory of the ALmighty spirit and universe)
There was EVERY age represented from 2 to 60. It took me back to my own childhood and my fathers side of the family (the good parent). I felt right at home and for the first time in over 20 years I felt like part of a family and damn it I felt wonderful..Hmmm..."keep your eyes open" kept ringing in my head as well as that damn acorn that hit me. I got to meet many of the brothers and sisters AND their children and THEIR kids so it was wall to wall chaos and I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF THAT..I drank up every bit of it and they genuinely enjoyed me...They were all wonderful people...they are promising me a visit to South FLorida this winter and I CANT wait..I LOVED IT and I came back feeling GREAT.
You know, this past weekend was very freeing. IT convinced me that I am again ready to love again because that capacity is very strong within me..Despite, or in spite of EVERYTHING I have been though, and I mean EVERYTHING, I know in my soul that everything will be ok for me...that I am being looked after and guided, even though I sometimes feel VERY much alone.
Even then I KNOW somehow someway it will ALL be ok...I dont know how I know this but I do...I was thinking about all of this driving up from Baltimore. The struggle always leads me to a better place..It has never failed me..NEVER. Moving forward and onward is TRULY the only way ANYONE of us can go because you cannot go back; you can revisit in your mind or memory but you can never go back......


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