Friday, January 25, 2008

Keep it coming, Love

I just finished celebrating my 54th Birthday and I had a fantastic time. My home was filled with the men in my life who care for me and treat me with love. Although I asked for no presents I was really surprised to have everyone bring me several gifts which I never expected.
I even had 2 pieces of cake which for me is like my quota for the year. I have been feeling on top of the world these days. No particular reason. Been just enjoying myself.
MY two long time friends, one from California and the other from NYC called me this evening. I was happy to learn that both have found someone that they are dating steady which is a BIG change because through my 20+ years in knowing them, I have been the one dating someone and they were both always and incessantly single.
IT hit me like a ton of bricks lying in bed that I had been very angry over the choices I have made and felt like those I chose were nothing but a waste of my time. Now because of that I am single and my two long time friends who waited have found someone. AS much as I have been privileged to know some of the men I have known in my life, because of my screwed up upbringing, I chose the wrong type of men; ie, drug users, alcoholics and cheaters which ALSO made me angry at my parents, especially mother for the 10 yrs of beatings and physical abuse, trying to get me committed for being gay when I was 17, wishing I died of AIDS etc etc etc. Maybe somewhere in my head, because of that, I felt like I didn't deserve to find someone of ethics and quality and here I am at 54 single because of the choices I have made, and I guess I deserve it because no one forced me to get involved with them. For the longest time I felt that I learned nothing from them and that my time WITH them was wasted but now I feel that it wasn't wasted. I had to first see what the hell I was doing to make that pattern change. I have been single for 3 yrs now and its preferable to being with another one like that. I think this is the longest time I have not been involved with someone. I am now in a place of peace within myself and I am much more aware of the guys I meet; none of which meet any of the criteria for a relationship. I don't have to be with anyone and its ok that I did what I did because I have learned some valuable lessons from it. I do wish it hadn't taken me this long though but I guess it needed to happen in the way it did.
At this point in my life I am not really sure I want anyone ever again. I vacillate back and forth on that issue. MY upbringing was so screwed up its amazing that I am here on this planet at all.
When I got angry at the universe for keeping me single I didn't understand why but this evening I understand. I wasn't ready for anyone since I was so angry at what happened to me even though it was by my own choosing. Am seeing the forest for the trees now.
Maybe thats why I put a lot of my energy into these stupid inane chat sites on the net. I knew it would be likely that these guys would be a long distance away and yet I would get angry when nothing came of it or they decided not to come visit or if they did, angry that they wouldn't come back or I felt used and REALLY angry if they found someone else closer TO them or in another part of the country without giving me any chance at all. It's all VERY clear to me now. Its funny how the light bulb in my head simply clicked on. I DON'T want a long distance anything other than pen-pals and I guess thats why deep down nothing ever worked out. These men had NO intentions of committing to anything other than a fuck. I guess it saved me a lot of grief in the long run (barring Mr. Mid-West jerk-off) but I couldn't even see THAT for what it was worth, but I FINALLY can now.
Its a NEW year for me with new adventures, travels, goals and ambitions. Keep it coming love, I am ready for whatever ride you take me on in my 54th year. TALLY HO !!!!!


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