Friday, January 30, 2009


Hard to think of myself at 55. My birthday was last Saturday. I had a great time. My friend with the stage 4 liver cancer is getting worse and the cancer is progressing and spreading. Thank GOD his sister is coming down to stay with him until the end which isnt too far away. Those freakin HIV meds are poison...but unfortunately theres not much of a choice take the meds or you die sooner..but at least it gave him an extra 18 years of live..even though hes looking so bad and his time here is nearing an end..It still hurts even after all this time seeing so still hurts..

As for myself, I am doing good and feeling good...after my last post I have done a ton of soul searching about things...Getting pissed off doesnt work...getting angry doesnt work either. Those two emotions aren't going to amount to anything because in feeling them you change nothing. You certainly dont change the assholes you come into contact with. They will still go off and be assholes. Getting down doesnt work either..
It does however make me understand why so many men have given up on love and finding someone.
Finding someone because youre afraid of growing old alone is the wrong reason to look for someone..If I want a caretaker in 25 years I can hopefully pay for one..
You look for someone because you want to love someone in a very intimate and special way..and if I dont find that in that particular way ever again thats ok because there are many other ways to love..and I can have all of the other ways even if I cant have THAT way..
I can get laid when I want and can have Mr Right now..granted its not the best but hey I have no intentions on being celibate for the remainder of my life..time will soon come when no one wants me anyway ..Gay men are too youth one day I will no longer be wanted...and I think I was trying to beat the chronological and biological clock of growing old and ugly which is the death knell for fags...but those are all the wrong reasons..ALL of them wrong...
My outlook for the new year and the remainder of my life will be different.. I will be different..
Its an interesting journey I am on..I am finally at a place of peace within myself..Its been a long month since my last post but I have grown tremendously and I now understand it all....
As the movie, Meet the Robinsons says throughout the show..KEEP MOVING FORWARD...
2009, HERE I COME..................


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