JUST BREATHE.....

Actually it doesn't feel like that much time has passed...
Mom ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks and they found so many things wrong with her that her prognosis is limited. Granted she is heading toward 93 and this is the FIRST time shes ever been in the hospital other than giving birth. Not bad eh? If the Aortic aneurism doesnt get her, the blood clots will, even though they put a filter in her lungs to prevent them from getting in there. Then theres the diverticulitis and the ulcer. None of the MD's thought she would come home but shes been home now for several weeks..Its funny how things go. She has been wishing to die ever since I can remember. Such a miserable woman but her curse IS LIFE itself.
Either God or the universe has a perverted sense of humor..You think hes a leatherman?
Her dementia is so bad now she doesnt know her surroundings anymore or anyone who sees her. I tried talkin to her on the phone and she doesnt respond at all but then again she hasnt really responded to me in many years. I have been alone and on my own a LONG time...

I have come to peace with many things and am FINALLY accepting not just having peace about it. What I have been seeking doesnt exist anymore. The culture is different and the majority of gay men are, in plain english, fuked up. It is what it is...and thats ok..Things cant be the way I want them to be..reality would always prevent that from happening. I have been dealing with being alone for over 4 years now and I am FINALLY coming to accept it. I am no longer seeking anyone and after all the bllshit I have dealt with in just these last 4 years and from what I see in those guys who are IN relationships, I prefer being alone...

I was told that when you shoot low you hit garbage but if you shoot high you aim for the stars. You may never hit that star or catch it but in my belief my neck is getting tired from looking up so I dont bother anymore...At 54 I have resolved that and the only thing I intend on doing from now on is hitting life back with the 2 by 4 it has hit me with and enjoy myself until my time here is up...Any guy I had an interest in or who proclaimed their interest in me ended up being liars, players and phonies and I dont have the stamina to deal with it anymore..

I am though having a good time and enjoying my life. I feel freer than I have in a very long time.

I treated myself to a Brand New Toyota Prius with all the magic buttons...and a new laptop. I have no intentions of giving everything away so I am enjoying myself while I am still young enough to enjoy things. When I think of what my parents went through and for what? My dad died like a fuckin animal and he was such a good man and my mother is nothing more than a yelling, screaming vegetable who has no control of ANY bodily function, doesnt know where she is or anyone around her and has to be fed, burped, changed and cleaned...

We are all heading in that general direction and theres nothing I can do about that; HOWEVER I am NOT going to not enjoy myself while I can...After watchin all my friends die of AIDS, and in the process of watching several others dying now, coupled with the men I have had the unfortunate encounter to meet, it makes me realize that the only one I can count on is myself and that fags have no sense of anything other than getting at you to get off..chew you up and spit you out so I am focusing on me and MY needs...hittin the gym..got ALOT more ink work done and doing EXACTLY as I want for as long as I can, for myself.

yeah yeah yeah..bitter jaded call it whatever the hell you want BUT my father ALWAYS said to me..he who lives in hope dies in despair. I live my life with some semblance of faith because I know things are going to be alright one way or the other and since I am a gay man in my 50s and we live in a youth oriented steroided fake phony bodied culture, I just dont fit in...nor do I want to and I DONT fit into the leather community down here in FT Lauderdale AT ALL.. Its all about who you do, when you do him and how often you do whoever it is you do and thats whether you are in a relationship or not.. I wont use the word committed because that word doesnt exist!!!!

I am keeping mostly to myself with my friends..when I go out alone I hang out enjoy the music then go home..when I go on a date I get laid and move on just like them. I have no intention of staying celebate for the rest of my life from this point on so I use them, get off and move on..SAFELY..