Searching...

ITs been a VERY long while since my last blog. Several weeks after I wrote my last post I went to Augusta Georgia to compete in a leather title contest. I had a perfect score up until I had to drop out. Seems I contracted strep throat and on Fri Feb 13th I had a fever up there at about 104. I had classic symptoms, high sudden onset fever, VERY sore throat that I couldnt swallow, diarrhea and swollen glands. It was scary because the tylenol wasnt working to get my fever down so I had to put my feet in a cold water bath and get rags on my forehead to get my fever down. My heartbeat became erratic from the high fever so I knew I was in trouble. I had NEVER EVER been so sick in my life. In fact I didnt even know at the time what I had. I assumed it was the flu. I managed to drive home on Sun and stayed in bed for a week. It wasnt until the following Wednesday that I noticed that my urine was the color of golden blossom honey. I ran to my MD without making an appointment because I wasnt feeling well and I knew something was wrong. He asked me if I had been sick within the past 10 days. Of course I said yes. I was diagnosed with strep infection that went into my kidneys causing them to bleed.
I was put on THREE courses of 3 different antibiotics and sent to a kidney specialist. I had numerous blood tests and had to get tons of rest for the next 7 weeks. What scared me was when the PA mentioned the word cancer and went into all sorts of scenarios. MY blood was also tested for cancer makers which thankfully came back negative. It made me think of my friends who died of AIDS and it gave me a glimpse of what they must have gone through. I felt very alone and lost. I couldnt work out and I couldnt do much of anything. I tried not to get depressed and thats when the universe stepped in.
I got a phone call from a guy named Mario from out of the blue asking me to come join a group called Fusion which was located several blocks from my home. I thought it would be good to see what it was all about so I went to one of their leadership meetings which steered the organization.
THAT WAS The MOST important phone call I could have gotten. At that first meeting in February, I was asked to take on a project called American Heroes. On one of the walls were 3 names of those who made a difference in the gay liberation movement. Harvey Milk, Scott Hall and Pedro Zamora. There was a one page condensed biography with photo of them which was framed in an 8 by 11 frame.
I reluctantly agreed to spearhead the new project. My mind was on my kidneys and although I was in no pain I was scared shitless because of the complications that could set in. The specialist had me come back several times for more blood tests, urine tests and watching to see if my ankles and hands became swollen and if my blood pressure was on the rise; two very bad signs that my kidneys weren't working.
I began to work on *the Wall* and add more names. IT took my focus off me and I placed my attention on adding more names. The name of the wall was changed to nCOURAGEu which focused on these people who came before and those who stand up now to enourage you to be the best you can be. AS time went on, none of the complications set in. The specialist determined I had a mild case because as he put it, my urine didnt get the color of mahogony. By Memorial day week everything was back to normal with my blood and urine and the wall had grown substantially.
I spent the summer working on the wall and getting back into life. I got heavily BACK into the gym and I look better now than ever (Even if I have to say so myself)
The wall has a website, http://www.ncourageu.org/ and has grown to 77 names. I have gone to different venues to talk about the project and have been well received. In August I went back to Augusta and this time to bring the project to the very same group I was in when I got so sick in February. Again the project was WELL received. Everyone was so glad to see me looking so good and whole.
I am now looking for a publisher to get this into book form. There are NO real books on the history of those who made substantial differences to the community and I would like to get this into every college and high school in the United States. You have bits and pieces but theres really nothing comprehensive. All of the proceeds will be donated back to the community. I dont have any right to make a profile off of other peoples lives and struggles. All I want is for others to learn what I have and benefit from it.
I often think that if I didnt get sick I would have likely won that leather title but look at what I would have missed out on. When you get sick like that it really not only humbles you it makes you realize how fast you can lose it all and that life is NOT infinite. I learned that lesson VERY well. I see things VERY differently now. MY focus isnt on finding Mr. Right anymore. What a waste of my time that was..Yeah hes out there and we'll run into each other when the time is right but if it doesnt happen I am not going to eat my heart out anymore bemoaning the fact that I am single. I am thankful to just be here.
When I went back to Augusta in August, one of the ladies there had a sister who had the EXACT same thing I had and on June 13, 2009 she DIED!!!!
It hit me that it could have been me, but it wasnt. I have work to do and that doesnt include bitching about being single or not finding the right guy. What a waste of my energy. I am REALLY ok now with being single. I now work with Fusion on other projects, with the Gay and Lesbian Community Center in a greater capacity (I'm one of the volunteer coordinators) and now with the Names Project (AIDS Memorial Quilt). I would have missed out on ALL of this but for one bacteria. Its odd how things happen...

ONE postscript...my friend with the stage 4 liver cancer is STILL with us. The doctors dont know everything nor can they *predict* when ones time is up...am VERY grateful to have him here yet and I got to throw him his 72nd birthday in July ... I may yet have him around for another holiday season.. I am VERY grateful....

Supernature

Hard to think of myself at 55. My birthday was last Saturday. I had a great time. My friend with the stage 4 liver cancer is getting worse and the cancer is progressing and spreading. Thank GOD his sister is coming down to stay with him until the end which isnt too far away. Those freakin HIV meds are poison...but unfortunately theres not much of a choice ...you take the meds or you die sooner..but at least it gave him an extra 18 years of live..even though hes looking so bad and his time here is nearing an end..It still hurts even after all this time seeing so much..it still hurts..

As for myself, I am doing good and feeling good...after my last post I have done a ton of soul searching about things...Getting pissed off doesnt work...getting angry doesnt work either. Those two emotions aren't going to amount to anything because in feeling them you change nothing. You certainly dont change the assholes you come into contact with. They will still go off and be assholes. Getting down doesnt work either..
It does however make me understand why so many men have given up on love and finding someone.
Finding someone because youre afraid of growing old alone is the wrong reason to look for someone..If I want a caretaker in 25 years I can hopefully pay for one..
You look for someone because you want to love someone in a very intimate and special way..and if I dont find that in that particular way ever again thats ok because there are many other ways to love..and I can have all of the other ways even if I cant have THAT way..
I can get laid when I want and can have Mr Right now..granted its not the best but hey I have no intentions on being celibate for the remainder of my life..time will soon come when no one wants me anyway ..Gay men are too youth oriented..so one day I will no longer be wanted...and I think I was trying to beat the chronological and biological clock of growing old and ugly which is the death knell for fags...but those are all the wrong reasons..ALL of them wrong...
My outlook for the new year and the remainder of my life will be different.. I will be different..
Its an interesting journey I am on..I am finally at a place of peace within myself..Its been a long month since my last post but I have grown tremendously and I now understand it all....
As the movie, Meet the Robinsons says throughout the show..KEEP MOVING FORWARD...
2009, HERE I COME..................

A Very Fractured Christmas..

I'm going to sound like a reality series for LOGO ... Most of my family is dead. Mother is a vegetable at almost 93 and thats all she wrote. Uncles, aunts and my dad are all gone. To top it off one of my friends recently died of cancer due to complications of hiv disease..The asshole used tons of meth. He was only 43. Then my other friend has stage 4 liver cancer..those meds of HIV are so toxic. He has AIDS and he doesnt have much time left. He did all the right things but hes got less than 6 months to live. Another friend broke up with his boyfriend while they were on vacation here in FT Lauderdale. The guy tells him hes still married to his wife and breaks up with him while they are still here..that is after he was having sex with 7 other men in the hotel they stayed at. They go back home and the guy that got jilted (my friend) tried to commit suicide. I have No siblings and most of my friends died of AIDS; like I said.. a reality series for fags on LOGO.

To be honest it does get very lonely at times and its so damn hard not to look back..I sometimes feel like I have nothing to look forward to anymore..am feeling down...not depressed but down. With the holidays so close I am feeling a bit lost.

Seems the holidays brings out both the best and the worst in people for many reasons.. I try hard to keep a good face on not because I don't want anyone to know but because if you behave down you end up feeling worse than you actually do.

I have been volunteering a lot of my spare time at the Gay Community Center here in South Florida to keep busy especially at this time of year. I am getting back much more than I could ever give. The days are fine but the nights can be stressful and lonely. I want to keep on going until I drop because it stops me from thinking.. So far I am hanging in there.

I don't think I can use the excuse that I am single because if you find the wrong guy thats even worse than being single..The open relationship bullshit doesnt work at all for me. I am having friends over for Xmas eve and Xmas Day..My friend thats dying will be here..This is likely the last time he will celebrate the holidays so I decked out my home inside and out and invited him along with other friends to have their meals here. My holiday party this past weekend was a BIG hit and he laughed and joked and enjoyed himelf alot. He looks so frail and weak. HIV coupled with the liver cancer (7 malignant tumors on his liver) sucks. I HATE having to watch this happen to a friend I have known 17 years. I feel helpless and powerless. I am doing my best to hold it together but I lose it when I am alone and I wish I had someone there for me but for some reason the universe has decided that I fuckin deserve to be alone and THAT royally pisses me off. I think I am more angrier than sad because when hes gone its over for him but then I have to grieve again, ALONE..

Sounds like its all about me eh? Well I have been though this shit too many times and in plain English I am GETTING TIRED of it..

I just would like some peace...and I dont know how to go about getting it.. I feel like I have no one to talk to or hold me...I feel utterly lost at times.. I cant sleep many nights and when I fall asleep I dont stay asleep..I am doing my best ...but I am tired... I hope that I can give him some good memories as he gets sicker and sicker so he has something to look back on as hes dying..but I need something for me...I think after the holidays are over I am going to take several days to go down to Key West and just take a good spiritual book to read and do nothing...

In the meantime..A very merry christmas and new year to all...

How Far We've Come

Damn Damn Damn..so long since I last wrote. My frined rick Force here in FT Lauderdale died of AIDS related cancer. He was only hiv for 3 years but he did tons of crystal meth, Tina, or as I call it, the devil itself.
A part of me was very sad and another, very angry. I say it a thousand time but I will say it again; I don't get it..
I've been drafted into running for a leather title..yeah I know.. I am always bitching about titles but this time if I won it I would be working for the community, not promoting myself. My ego isnt that big and its not about me..I am wokring at the Gay Community Center here in FT Lauderdale and I answer the main switchboard phones. I am LOVING it and I am meeting a great bunch of guys who DONT go to bars; DONT do the "scene" but have lives that DONT revolve around the word gay and I am REALLY enjoying myself. In the past 3 months I have received 2 certificates of appreciation by the Center for my volunteer work so I must be doing it right.
I got invited for Thanksgiving dinner and I had a fantastic time. I have lived in Ft Lauderdale over 8 yrs and this was the first invitation for a holiday dinner I have ever had. I was thankful that everyone invited was single so I didnt have to be the third wheel on a boat full of couples. LOL ... I have been dating on and off, get taken out to dinner, am getting hit on left right and sideways; actually moreso now than 20 yrs ago..Damn I must look good...LOL.
I am now at the point where I am requesting the universe to send me the RIGHT guy ....the guy that I would have my last long term relationship with for after all, at almost 55, I am not going to live forever and I would want this time to last for the rest of my life..for however long that is...and since this is one thing beyond my control theres no point in me getting nervous or upset. It is what it is..If I never find him then it wasnt meant to happen but it sure would be nice to be in love again... I was getting to that point with David but he bolted..I think we would have had a great life together..I think the universe used me to teach him something....because I didnt learn a damn thing...no I take that back.. I learned that I was capable of feeling love; that I was even willing to go into the frigid north to be with him....but he didnt stay, chased me away and he made sure it wasnt meant to be...
I havent yet decided what Xmas will be yet. I am having a big Xmas party at my home on the 20th. That should be tons of fun..I am nejoying my Hybrid Prius..am getting 61 MPG and I gas up once every 6 weeks...but I did buy a second car...I like the sport around town with my small jepe wrangler..top down sides off and its perfect in the tropical winter here..well thats if you want to call it winter...
I am going to make more of an effort to write..It does free me in so many ways I cant explain..
Cath you later...

Appreciate Me

Well I got one for the books with this guy.. I have been hanging out with this guy named Danny (not his real name) who's got someone in his life..Get this..The guy has a lover and another boyfriend and this guy AND he grabs every guys ass he sees..right IN front of Danny and the disrespect is amazing..

Well Danny expressed an interest in me...so I went along with it...We hung out several times and had a good time together..TWICE he stood me up after telling me he wanted to be with me and hang out and spend time getting to know me and twice he stood me up...

I have already removed myself from the Leather Community down here because they are a bunch of men who screw around with each other and anything else they get their hands on aside from several of them bare-backing other men when they KNOW they are hiv positive and on meds....
Thats just fucked up..

After this latest bullshit with Danny, I am removing myself from the meat market. I cant be a part of this anymore because I dont have the stamina to deal with the bullshit I am seeing..
No one is honest and no one wants what I do so I dont want to waste my precious time on guys anymore..at my age its not worth wasting time or men who dont know the word honesty..they play you along then when they are done with you they kick you to the curb so fuck them....

I keep hearing in my head..KEEP MOVING FORWARD ..... and thats exactly what I intend on doing... I AM DONE !!

JUST BREATHE.....

Actually it doesn't feel like that much time has passed...
Mom ended up in the hospital for 3 weeks and they found so many things wrong with her that her prognosis is limited. Granted she is heading toward 93 and this is the FIRST time shes ever been in the hospital other than giving birth. Not bad eh? If the Aortic aneurism doesnt get her, the blood clots will, even though they put a filter in her lungs to prevent them from getting in there. Then theres the diverticulitis and the ulcer. None of the MD's thought she would come home but shes been home now for several weeks..Its funny how things go. She has been wishing to die ever since I can remember. Such a miserable woman but her curse IS LIFE itself.
Either God or the universe has a perverted sense of humor..You think hes a leatherman?
Her dementia is so bad now she doesnt know her surroundings anymore or anyone who sees her. I tried talkin to her on the phone and she doesnt respond at all but then again she hasnt really responded to me in many years. I have been alone and on my own a LONG time...

I have come to peace with many things and am FINALLY accepting not just having peace about it. What I have been seeking doesnt exist anymore. The culture is different and the majority of gay men are, in plain english, fuked up. It is what it is...and thats ok..Things cant be the way I want them to be..reality would always prevent that from happening. I have been dealing with being alone for over 4 years now and I am FINALLY coming to accept it. I am no longer seeking anyone and after all the bllshit I have dealt with in just these last 4 years and from what I see in those guys who are IN relationships, I prefer being alone...

I was told that when you shoot low you hit garbage but if you shoot high you aim for the stars. You may never hit that star or catch it but in my belief my neck is getting tired from looking up so I dont bother anymore...At 54 I have resolved that and the only thing I intend on doing from now on is hitting life back with the 2 by 4 it has hit me with and enjoy myself until my time here is up...Any guy I had an interest in or who proclaimed their interest in me ended up being liars, players and phonies and I dont have the stamina to deal with it anymore..

I am though having a good time and enjoying my life. I feel freer than I have in a very long time.

I treated myself to a Brand New Toyota Prius with all the magic buttons...and a new laptop. I have no intentions of giving everything away so I am enjoying myself while I am still young enough to enjoy things. When I think of what my parents went through and for what? My dad died like a fuckin animal and he was such a good man and my mother is nothing more than a yelling, screaming vegetable who has no control of ANY bodily function, doesnt know where she is or anyone around her and has to be fed, burped, changed and cleaned...

We are all heading in that general direction and theres nothing I can do about that; HOWEVER I am NOT going to not enjoy myself while I can...After watchin all my friends die of AIDS, and in the process of watching several others dying now, coupled with the men I have had the unfortunate encounter to meet, it makes me realize that the only one I can count on is myself and that fags have no sense of anything other than getting at you to get off..chew you up and spit you out so I am focusing on me and MY needs...hittin the gym..got ALOT more ink work done and doing EXACTLY as I want for as long as I can, for myself.

yeah yeah yeah..bitter jaded call it whatever the hell you want BUT my father ALWAYS said to me..he who lives in hope dies in despair. I live my life with some semblance of faith because I know things are going to be alright one way or the other and since I am a gay man in my 50s and we live in a youth oriented steroided fake phony bodied culture, I just dont fit in...nor do I want to and I DONT fit into the leather community down here in FT Lauderdale AT ALL.. Its all about who you do, when you do him and how often you do whoever it is you do and thats whether you are in a relationship or not.. I wont use the word committed because that word doesnt exist!!!!

I am keeping mostly to myself with my friends..when I go out alone I hang out enjoy the music then go home..when I go on a date I get laid and move on just like them. I have no intention of staying celebate for the rest of my life from this point on so I use them, get off and move on..SAFELY..

In Your Life

Its been far too long since my last posting here. IF I hear it one more time from anyone that they just cant understand how a guy like me is single I am gonna SPIT UP .... I think back to Brokeback Mountain and I would give anything I have to have someone love me like that. Hey I'd be happy to have someone love me at all. Even better if it were the right guy who I loved back. Granted it was really unrequited love but its more than what I have had in over 4 years which has been ZIPPO.
As a Buddhist I am told that the universe sends you what you need not always what you want. Well who the hell doesn't need to be loved? I have no answers but I guess you cant have the answers to everything.
Women feel their biological clock ticking.....at 54 I feel my time clock ticking and it would be a wonderful completion for the remainder my life to be loved and to have the privilege and honor to love someone again. After being out of the proverbial closet for over 38 years I still don't understand why guys prefer a trick over love and intimacy. Yeah, yeah, you have the option to go out and *do* whoever you want but that kind of sport sex gets B O R I N G. When I go to the Bars n clubs I see all these guys I know from the gym and other places hooking up with men I wouldn't shit on. I don't get it....when I go through my stage of hooking up with 3 or 4 or 5 men in a week it leaves me empty and unhappy and yet being alone leaves me the same way so theres no happy medium to this at all. IF you ask guys out on a date they run for the hills but if you hook up with them they come after you and the more you say no to a second time the more desirable you get. Then you get the guys over 40 who only want the guys so young they need diapers with the reason being is that they can manipulate them, or have a trophy boyfriend whereas they cant do that with someone their age or older. Then theres the open relationship bullshit. Why even bother? I guess that doesn't leave much left for me then eh? I'm the exception as I usually am in that I don't want a child. I don't do diapers or windows.
Again I DON'T get it...and from the looks of things am not sure I will.....
I was told several times that when you aim high you have to strain and hurt to reach for what you want and when you aim low you can get any piece of trash...
It's a quandary ....