Thursday, January 31, 2008

You Dont Know...

MY second posting about my 54th birthday because in reading my last post I left out other things I wanted to talk about because of my internal revelations which took precedence over what I am writing about here.
Seems my friends decided to REMIND me of my a birthday cake with the grim reaper on it and a pile of dirt in one corner of the cake (chocolate) with the saying, I'm not here for you YET, just for the cake.
Even though I requested no gifts I got plenty of them and surprisingly everything that I was given I actually needed and used. I am a very privileged man. Not lucky but privileged because theres no luck involved in friendship. It's something you earn. I guess you can say the same for any relationship. I have very good feelings about my new year, my 54th. Been hitting the gym intensely on a new program and for some reason its really showing results even for a guy my age. Am eating mostly organic foods now. Am trying to go greener since this planet is in so much trouble. Cut down on driving so I walk or bike now ( bike as in bicycle). They opened up another gay thrift shop in the area called Out of the Closet and now I have 2 re sale places to go to so I am a pig in MUD. The weather is mostly in the 80s and the sun doesn't go down until after 6 and am hitting the beach once in awhile. I STILL find it awesome that I can wear a tank top in January and never wear hats, coats, gloves, scarves and still freeze my butt off. I love my garden and have started on the backyard. I also put in the hot tub in my Florida room and I am LOVING every minute I am in there..I especially enjoy it AFTER a workout either at the gym or in bed.
Yeah its going to be a good year for me. Something inside is telling me this.
I have traveled up to Asheville North Carolina already this year to look for some land to possibly build a log cabin on and I met a great guy up there who I spent the entire weekend with; well actually he spent it with me in my hotel room. HE took me around..we ate all organic meals at some awesome restaurants went to several local bars and I hung out with his bowling league. IT felt so good being intimate with someone again. It was just what I needed to realize that I still have it within me to feel those things for another guy. Seems that life jolts us with twists n turns but it always seems to provide me with the most important things I need WHEN I need it most.
I am excited and looking forward to this coming year.....

Friday, January 25, 2008

Keep it coming, Love

I just finished celebrating my 54th Birthday and I had a fantastic time. My home was filled with the men in my life who care for me and treat me with love. Although I asked for no presents I was really surprised to have everyone bring me several gifts which I never expected.
I even had 2 pieces of cake which for me is like my quota for the year. I have been feeling on top of the world these days. No particular reason. Been just enjoying myself.
MY two long time friends, one from California and the other from NYC called me this evening. I was happy to learn that both have found someone that they are dating steady which is a BIG change because through my 20+ years in knowing them, I have been the one dating someone and they were both always and incessantly single.
IT hit me like a ton of bricks lying in bed that I had been very angry over the choices I have made and felt like those I chose were nothing but a waste of my time. Now because of that I am single and my two long time friends who waited have found someone. AS much as I have been privileged to know some of the men I have known in my life, because of my screwed up upbringing, I chose the wrong type of men; ie, drug users, alcoholics and cheaters which ALSO made me angry at my parents, especially mother for the 10 yrs of beatings and physical abuse, trying to get me committed for being gay when I was 17, wishing I died of AIDS etc etc etc. Maybe somewhere in my head, because of that, I felt like I didn't deserve to find someone of ethics and quality and here I am at 54 single because of the choices I have made, and I guess I deserve it because no one forced me to get involved with them. For the longest time I felt that I learned nothing from them and that my time WITH them was wasted but now I feel that it wasn't wasted. I had to first see what the hell I was doing to make that pattern change. I have been single for 3 yrs now and its preferable to being with another one like that. I think this is the longest time I have not been involved with someone. I am now in a place of peace within myself and I am much more aware of the guys I meet; none of which meet any of the criteria for a relationship. I don't have to be with anyone and its ok that I did what I did because I have learned some valuable lessons from it. I do wish it hadn't taken me this long though but I guess it needed to happen in the way it did.
At this point in my life I am not really sure I want anyone ever again. I vacillate back and forth on that issue. MY upbringing was so screwed up its amazing that I am here on this planet at all.
When I got angry at the universe for keeping me single I didn't understand why but this evening I understand. I wasn't ready for anyone since I was so angry at what happened to me even though it was by my own choosing. Am seeing the forest for the trees now.
Maybe thats why I put a lot of my energy into these stupid inane chat sites on the net. I knew it would be likely that these guys would be a long distance away and yet I would get angry when nothing came of it or they decided not to come visit or if they did, angry that they wouldn't come back or I felt used and REALLY angry if they found someone else closer TO them or in another part of the country without giving me any chance at all. It's all VERY clear to me now. Its funny how the light bulb in my head simply clicked on. I DON'T want a long distance anything other than pen-pals and I guess thats why deep down nothing ever worked out. These men had NO intentions of committing to anything other than a fuck. I guess it saved me a lot of grief in the long run (barring Mr. Mid-West jerk-off) but I couldn't even see THAT for what it was worth, but I FINALLY can now.
Its a NEW year for me with new adventures, travels, goals and ambitions. Keep it coming love, I am ready for whatever ride you take me on in my 54th year. TALLY HO !!!!!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Stronger and Stronger..

Well folks 2008 came in like a lamb. It was a GREAT holiday season for me. I had friends over for Christmas Eve and Day then another open house for New Years Eve. I really envoy having people over. Life is too short ( and getting shorter by the moment for me) to be worried about messing up the house. I had a major problem with the plumbing back in December but it got resolved after the dug up a 3' x 3' section of the garage floor only to find that when the jackass built the house and they laid the PVC pipe for the sewer lines, none of them were glued. They pulled them off by hand so they had to replace them and this time they did it right. All of this took place a week before Christmas but they got it all done...I couldn't use the main sink in my kitchen for 9 freakin days. Now that WAS a pain in the butt.
You do the best you can and thankfully it got all takin care of before the Christmas Eve. We all had a fantastic time. Now I am getting ready for birthday number 54 on Jan 24th.. I sometimes cant believe that I am where I much time has passed and it doesn't feel like I am the age I am. I think bout it from time to time but I don't want to waste time thinking about anything I don't have the power or ability to I glance at it then move on...
Well speaking of moving on, I am in Asheville North Carolina. I am looking at land to buy and invest in. the area is at the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains and let me tell you the area is absolutely breathtaking to see. Its a great day here in the 50s' but it DOES get very cold from time to time, so I KNOW I would never come up here in the winter but the summers here must be amazing. I didnt see anything that I liked today but I will go see several more parcels tomorrow. Not sure anything will come of this trip land wise but you don't know until you try...
On a side note... I met a guy on line several years ago who happens to live here in Asheville. Well we met last night for the first time..Man the chemistry and hormones flowed like fine wine. He spent the night with me..Hes the FIRST guy in almost a year that I felt comfortable enough to sleep with the entire night. The last one being the guy from the Midwest who ran like he was on fire when he realized he had feelings for me..He punked out and dumped me..its in an older blog of mine and I don't wanna rehash the same crap. In hindsight he wasn't worth my time..
This guy is in his mid 40's, 6'1" shaved head, blue eyes and a goatee. We really hit it off. We went out to dinner and just had a great time..The guy could make out for a living..WOOF. Yeah I guess you could say I am in serious lust and its been a LONG time since I have been able to say that. Am going to spend the rest of my time here with him and since its Friday I will have several more days with him..the really great thing for me was that it WASN'T about getting off or sex. I just wanted him next to me, to be with me and just to enjoy who he is. Man it felt SOOO good. We will see where this goes...In the meantime I am enjoying my time and my stay here in the hotel..Very cozy and comfortable..and warm..