Tuesday, October 24, 2006

In My Mind...

I was thinking of Heather Headleys song this morning (see heading of this blog) when I was chatting with this guy on line and after giving him a piece of my mind (and liver), I felt I needed to spit out some crap many gay men I know put forth.
He meets this guy he hasnt seen since High school. The guy happened to have been his coach who by the way was married. They spend ONE weekend together and BANG, INSTANT BOYFRIEND AND RELATIONSHIP. Can anyone tell me how that works because I think I missed that class.
The fact that I am writing again after only 15 hours lets me know I feel very strongly and passionately about this. Why doesnt ANYONE want to date and get to KNOW who they are with before claiming they have a boyfriend?
I tend to think its the instant gratification that gay men FEEL they are entitled to given the fact that they have no responsibilty other than themselves. REady cash, hours and hours at the gym, cruise bars, primping and fluffing up like a rooster in heat ready to put on the next costume to see who they can snag. IT all good though if you know what it means and what yer seeking. HOWEVER, if you want to be someones lover you have to love yourself and RESPECT you for YOU just AS you are. IF you cant even stand up for yourself and explore what you want, how can you EVER be anyones partner, lover, leatherboy, spouse, etc. I dont understand why guys dont want to take time to DATE someone..Dating is the BEST and FUN part of a relationship. YOu still have time to and for yourself and you also have the fun of sharing SOME of your time with a guy you CHOOSE to share that space and time WITH. Why does it have to be that you have a great weekend of sex and then its BANG, instant relationship? I NEVER have understood that.
I know I have saved myself ALOT of grief by sticking to that even though its no guarantee for the future but at least you give yourself a fighting chance for happiness by taking your time. I prefer dating several guys and continue to meet others until I am SURE for myself that this is the guy I am choosing to be with because I feel hes a good match for me and because I REALLY want him, NOT that I need him. BIG BIG DIFFERENCE. Need is something you HAVE to have to survive, like food and water and sleep. Want is a conscious choice I make based on how I relate to that object or person. We all have baggage but I am trying to find a guy whos baggage fits well with mine!! If I can find that before I get too old then I am FORTUNATE indeed.
IF all we REALLY have is love, then why do men keep trying to sabotage themselves? Why do they get involved without taking the time to get to know who they are with? Why do they judge everything on sex? Most importantly, why do they continually choose the wrong person even when they KNOW they are settling AND making a mistake AND in addtiton, the right guy is directly next TO them and will pass him up to pick the WRONG one?? That one just doesnt compute to me, in my mind...........

Monday, October 23, 2006

Moving into Light

Been thinkin about that song as of late. Reminds me of Bryan, who died of AIDS back in 1993 at the age of 38. I think out of all the guys I loved, HE was the man who took me to places outside of my mind when we were intimate. HE taught me much about having fun, and loving somoene so much that he owuldnt do ANYTHING to put me at ANY possible risk for when we were together it was the late 80's and there was VERY little known about HIV. He was painstaking in making sure he NEVER put me at risk, and he NEVER did.
This then brings me to my next topic. His name is Howard Kaplan and he used to live at 410 Ave X and 386 5th Avenue # 3 and both places are in Brooklyn NY. I havent heard from him in about 10 years and I would give ANYTHING to know where he is. He is 10 or 12 yrs younger then me and at the time I was in my mid 30's and I thought my crap didnt stink and he was a young pup in his 20's. I was his first and in plain English I screwed things up royally. I thought that I was such a big shot and he was some kid that I never took seriously. It sickens me now to look back and think about it because I know better now and I am going to find him to tell him I am sorry and to forgive me. IF any of you out there have ANY ideas on how to find him, let me know. I have tried all the free sites I know of and it seems I will end up paying 30 bucks or more to find out where he is. Howard used to call me foxy ALL the time and in my minds eye I can still see the look in his blue eyes when we talked for hours or all night long. MORE Than anything I just want to tell him I am sorry for being such a jackass toward him. When another one of our friends died of AIDS, Howard just vanished. His then roomate, knew where he was and I would call her up and the bitch never would give me his info and I am not even sure she even told him that his friend died of AIDS so I still am not sure if Howard knows that his friend Michael died back in april 1996. She was this control freak that SHE wanted to be in the loop about him and SHE decided who knew what and who didnt know, so she decided that NONE of his friends were given ANY info on him EXCEPT HER and when you asked if she relayed our messages TO him, she would say yes but then NEVER give us ANY response of what Howard said. I am still so pissed off that if I ever confronted that bitch now I would seriously think about punching her face OUT for what she did. I am GOING to FIND you Cappy. I have always loved you and you need to know that, and to apologise for what a shit I was to you....

Sunday, October 01, 2006

The Long & Winding Road

Summer 2006 has been an adventure..as is most of my life..It seems that what happens to most people gets amplified for some reason for me..Maybe I am too sensitive and I over react, or maybe life enjoys f*cking with me in unique ways...
Case in point...I was walkin in my old Bklyn NY neighborhood up to the ATM at Citibank in Park SLope when I got hit square on the top of my head with an acorn that must have fallen 50 feet because it bounced off my head and shot out 40 feet to the other side of the street. NEEDLESS to say it hurt ALOT. I was with one of my buddypups when I turned to him and said that my father did that (he died in Feb 2000) to which HE turned to me and said that I should keep my eyes open. FIVE minutes later we were sitting on the Brownstone I am renovating when this elderly guy walked by who looked JUST LIKE MY FATHER except that my dad loved eating grapes and this guy was eating an apple. I tried to understand what was being told to me..IT was several days later while I was takin a hot bath after working on my house all day when it came to me. MY father told me that I was trying to hold on to that house as a way to hold on to him. Point being that I didnt want to keep that house other than the fact that it was his..even though we never lived there I wanted to hang on to it..even though I didnt want it and I didnt want to EVER live in NYC again. So, I decided to sell it. I am putting it on the market tomorrow at noon and giving my agent 3 months to sell it. Holding on to an object isnt needed when you have a lifetime of memories inside...the only thing that truly lasts forever is love, NOT an inanimate object that you try to have take on a human life..It doesnt work that way.
This past weekend I went to Baltimore to visit my Friend Paul and his siblings. It was of course another adventure..and a VERY GOOD ONE at that. There are like 8 of them (both parents are gone home to the glory of the ALmighty spirit and universe)
There was EVERY age represented from 2 to 60. It took me back to my own childhood and my fathers side of the family (the good parent). I felt right at home and for the first time in over 20 years I felt like part of a family and damn it I felt wonderful..Hmmm..."keep your eyes open" kept ringing in my head as well as that damn acorn that hit me. I got to meet many of the brothers and sisters AND their children and THEIR kids so it was wall to wall chaos and I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF THAT..I drank up every bit of it and they genuinely enjoyed me...They were all wonderful people...they are promising me a visit to South FLorida this winter and I CANT wait..I LOVED IT and I came back feeling GREAT.
You know, this past weekend was very freeing. IT convinced me that I am again ready to love again because that capacity is very strong within me..Despite, or in spite of EVERYTHING I have been though, and I mean EVERYTHING, I know in my soul that everything will be ok for me...that I am being looked after and guided, even though I sometimes feel VERY much alone.
Even then I KNOW somehow someway it will ALL be ok...I dont know how I know this but I do...I was thinking about all of this driving up from Baltimore. The struggle always leads me to a better place..It has never failed me..NEVER. Moving forward and onward is TRULY the only way ANYONE of us can go because you cannot go back; you can revisit in your mind or memory but you can never go back......